Your party is sailing or traveling in a submersible (like the Apparatus of Kwalish) and interesting things besides combat happen!

A storm blows in and something strange is washed aboard the ship. You decide! (1d4):
1. Treasure.
2. A mermaid.
3. A strange, half drowned bird.
4. A dead deep sea fish.
Your submersible travels through a dense forest of Kelp and the propeller gets tangled and the party has to figure out how to dislodge without getting the bends/while under the immense atmospheric pressure under the sea.
The sounds of unearthly singing reach your ears from across the water. You find the remains of ships and sirens (mermaid like tricksters), but the sirens appear to have left.
A whirlpool full of teeth opens up just ahead of your ship and you have to sail to avoid it (think Scylla and Charybdis).
The seagulls are joined by other types of birds in the sky - perhaps something has gone awry on the land (perhaps a major forest fire).
Bio-luminescent jelly fish bloom at night, lighting up the water around you, creating a romantic and breathtaking atmosphere.
You find a dingy afloat all alone on the sea with a child/NPC with a story hook aboard.
The stowaway is revealed after someone finally took inventory of the stowed supplies below deck when the chocolate was disappearing in larger quantities than expected.
Seasoned sailors get seasick as you realize maybe something is wrong with the food.
You see a gargantuan entity on the horizon and the sailors start to tell tales. You decide! (1d4)
1. Uk'otoa.
2. Dragon Turtles.
3. Giant Hermit Crabs.
4. Sea Serpents.
You hit the doldrums. There is no wind and no current. The ship you are on has to wait until the wind starts again. Escape?
1. The wind only starts on a natural 20 roll on a d20.
2. Every day that passes uses up rations and fresh water.
3. Once the food runs out, and the PCs begin to starve (failed CON roll with increaseing daily DC starting at 10) they may well begin to go insane.
4. Cannibalism will resolve any hunger issues.
You find a message in a bottle floating near the ship. It's from a father to his children, writing to tell them how much he misses them while he's on the high seas. Optional bonus quest to find the children and deliver the letter.
One of the crew members caught a magical talking fish. The fish claims that if you set him free, he'll grant you a wish.
A dolphin has been following the ship for three days. A. If treated kindly, the dolphin shows the way to a hidden lagoon with treasure. B. Treated badly, the dolphin and its friends make a large hole in the bottom of the ship.
Things are going missing from the deck of the ship. If investigated, it's a bird. The bird has built a nest and is clearly trying to impress a potential mate with its newfound collection.
A strange formation of rocks appears a ways off the shoreline of an island. Closer inspection reveals that these are not rocks, but bones from an ancient dragon. Perhaps the hoard is somewhere nearby?
A sea witch happens upon the ship. She gives the party the "gift of communication" and casts a friendly spell before going on her way. The enchantment is aimed at the ship. For the next 14 days, the ship is sentient and can communicate with the crew. And boy oh boy, does this ship have some opinions!
A wave washes a large shell onto the deck of the ship. It's a instrument, and the first person to pick it up gains proficiency in playing the shell. The shell can lull any baby in a 10 foot radius into a peaceful slumber.
Fair wind: you arrive sooner
Shitty wind: you are forced to sail around your destination to gain favorable wind. Arrive later. Tacking negates this somewhat
A storm rolls in, but is just rain
A storm rolls in and creates fog, travel is slowed, but less than bad winds. A measure of a few hours, not days.
Two ships are fighting
A ship is fighting a kraken
A storm rolls in. Its a maelstrom
A traveling sea merchant rolls by.
Come across ship wreckage
Come across a patch of darker water that slows the ship
Ghost ship arises on the new moon is empty
Ghost ship arises on the full moon and is crewed by skeletons
Smaller ship tries to square up
Bigger ship bullies you until you pay a toll or tax, fights if you refuse
An island is sighted, but is not there when you arrive
An island appears on the horizon where you JUST checked (its an island turtle)
A rock appears where you swear there was nothing beforw (its a Gargantuan hermit crab)
You see an undersea fight that causes the sea to roll and boil, sometimes popping up above water
Coral reef! On a failed perception roll, boat takes damage and must be repaired. On a 1 it must be repaired 2x, once to stop it from sinking, and then again at port. A giant serpent surfaces and eyes the boat, eventually moving on
An empty ship rolls by, slowly. (Mimic ship with oozes below)
The sounds of unearthly singing reach your ears from across the water. You consider going after them, but decide not to (wis save)
Your rowboat ropes start to snap! Make a dex save, mending check, strength saving throw to save it.
A comet streaks across the sky
Aurora Borealis
You hear rumbling off in the distance. A volcanic island is erupting!
Seals follow the boat for a while.
A giant koi fish (river) or whale shark (sea) lazily circles the boat, then flips down to the depths
A GIANT WHALE APPEARS!
1. Takes a chunk of the boat
2. Bumps the boat off course
3. leaps over the boat and hits the mast on its way
4. smacks the boat with its tail doing damage
The waves grow choppy and the wind picks up. Unless intentionally slowing the boat, you get to your destination faster, but your boat might take damage
The bard begins to play a sea shanty. You all join in and have a great time
A massive, huge, giant, monsterous shark fin is seen. It then disappears without a trace
A Blue Whale (100+ feet long) breaks the water and bumps the boat
A Megalodon bites the stern of the boat, requiring repairs 2x. Trip is delayed by a few hours.
The sea grows calm. No magic works. Then, just as suddenly, the wind picks up, magic starts up, everything is normal
You see something sparkling on the beach of a small uncharted island.
You see something sparkling on an uncharted island. Its a message in a bottle
You pass by an uncharted island and see a fire. Its a marooned pirate, someone lost, nothing.
An albatross takes a rest on your boat for a while, then flies off
You see circling seagulls off in the distance. When you arrive there, there are some floating barrels with a dead body lashed to it, rum inside, food inside, repair supplies inside, cannonballs inside, treasure inside, an animal inside, barely clinging to life, a castaway bobbing in a barrel. You see a crate in the water. It has cannons, wood, food, ale, plants, silks, spices, sugar, a note atop showing a delivery island that is where you came from, the island you're going to, an island near it, an island you've never heard of, an island that Nobody has ever heard of.
A giant squid comes near the surface near the boat to warm up in the sun. Curious about your presence, it follows your ship for several hours before disappearing back into the depths.
A dragon swoops by, catching a ton of fish in its mouth, then flying away
A dragon attacks the ship, but is shown to be an illusion. You dont know from where it came.
Baba yaga, but it's an outpost on a rock
Giant hippocampus swims next to the boat and tries to get the party to throw it treats.
You fall off the ship! Before you can cry out the ship is already sailing on its way and you are lost overboard. Just as you begin to despair, a friendly merfolk swims up and asks if you need help. If you explain what happened, they kindly offer to return you to the ship.
As you keep watch, you look over the side. Roll a percentage dice. (1-10, 90-100 its real) you see a small creature tearing out boards to the side of the ship! Then as you look they vanish, and you hear a commotion from the other side of the boat.
A group of sea elves herding whales ask for help locating a missing calf
While sailing at night, the ship passes through a patch of bioluminescent algae
The ship gets lost in a magnetic field anomaly which causes their compass to spin wildly. A DC 17 survival check will get them out but off course. A 20 or higher will get them out while maintaining the proper course
A merchant vessel: a vessel that is a small market place, stocking rope, lantern oil, medical supplies, preserved foods, and other ship-borne essentials, maybe weapon maintenance, potions of healing and water breathing, that kind of thing. put some guards on it: a blackguard, a champion, and a warlord.
You encounter a Kelp Forest, a portion of the sea where the Kelp stalks stretch high above the waves, at least 40 to 50 feet. Who knows what kind of beasts might linger in the fog, nesting amongst the broad leaves and seed pods.
A pod of whales swims along side the submersible, a sudden wave lunges the sub to one side as a Roc dives into the water and grabs a whale. The roc's flapping and thw whales panic make for extremly difficult seas and the crew of the sub will needs to sucseed in a skill challenge to prevent catostophic failure of the machine.
An Iceberg that has been carved to be an Ice lich fortress on its underside sawrms with undead such as Merpires and Great Wight Sharks. The Party will have to find ways to make their vessal steathy or face a dire situation. (If in warmer climes, the Iceberg can be replaced with a floating coral fortress and the Ice Lich with a Merpire (Merfolk Vampire) Lord.)
The Party see a lake of dark liquid on the bottom of th sea bed. The substance is "Brine" super salty water that is low in oxygen, only the most hard bacteria can survive in it. it is used by many subnautical peoples as a holy sight to entomb their dead. . . Often with gold and pearls. When the Party are down in the lake, somethng knocks on the hatch.
The party comes across an abandoned ship, it’s in perfect condition and the party can’t tell why it’s been abandoned
You come across a huge abyssal plane of downed airships on the ocean floor after a dogfight. The ghosts all come to you to help them get home.
1. home (denial)
2. travel
3. ascend
4. seize (haunt/poltergeist)
A methane vent on the ocean floor causes anything in the area to sink at 10’ per round.
The lookout can see multiple sources of light below the water. If the party investigates they find a small village of sea people living in bubbles 100 meters below the surface. The bubbles contain oxygen and are possible to move through but also stand on.
You meet another ship, a merchant ship. However, you are informed that this particular ship used to be quite known for his crew and their deals … Until they sank 2 years ago
The ship is run aground on a sandbank (more plausible in archipelagos/shallow waters), so the players must find a way to dig the ship out or use enough force to push off from the bank (but not too much force to break the ship!)
You pass ovearound an island recently submerged underwater by rising sea levels (natural or otherwise). The tops of trees and buildings peak over the lapping waves, and if you glance down and squint you can make out the signs of a civilisation eradicated; fish swimming about abandoned hovels, overturned carts floating by, and even the occasional ghost wandering down dead roads.
Far in the distance, you can make out a naval battle raging. The distant thunder of cannons and a faint smell of brimstone linger in the air. Eventually one ship keels over, sinking beneath the waves.
A half-sunken ship containing a hag. She'll promise them anything they want in exchange for safe passage back. Obviously a monkeys paw scenario, helps a lot with the overtly good paladins etc
Found a floating city made from various buoyant materials.
Found a Djinn in a bottle.
Meet a trading Merfolk, selling anything they found on the seabed.
A dormant ship floating on the sea during the day. When checked, all the ship's crew are vampires, sleeping.
Your ship sails into a big area of thick, sticky gloop, stopping the ship's motion, trapping any oars submerged into the gloppy mass, and clogging up any rudders. How are you going to get out of this one? gargantuan sea-gelatinous cube!?
A Triton appears before your submersible anf flashes a big message, word by word, using Minor Illusion: "STOP!" "MIGRATING" "KRAKEN!" "TURN" "BACK" "NOW!"
A long riverboat is seen at the mouth of a river pouring into the sea. A closer investigation reveals it is a casino boat!
A ship rolls up on you, but it's someone going where you are and they challenge you to a race to get there. No magic can be used, some magic, all bets are off. They wager gold, a piece of information, a magic item. They are true to their word, they sail away, they attempt to destroy the ship, they vanish as you approach the island (they're ghosts) and you find the reward in the captains quarters.
You come across a large bed of giant clams/shellfish. They make for good eating and have several big pearls in them.
One foggy night you hear ghostly pirate shanties being sung over the waves. In the fog you can barely make out the black shape of a ghost ship before it disappears.
You spot a large kraken corpse with massive bite marks on it. Who could possibly do this damage?
While traveling through a kelp forest you see a raft of giant sea otters. Killing them for their fur will net you a ton of money at a market but is it worth earning the ire of a local sea goddess for doing it?
In the distance you sea a newly form volcano spewing out fire elementals to battle water elementals rising from the sea to snuff out the volcano.
A giant Octopus is tending their coral garden. They offer gold in exchange for seaweeds from far off places to put in their garden.
Has anyone featured an encounter with black smokers yet? Vents from the planets mantel spewing out pressurized boiling gas, causing pillars of what looks like black smoke underwater and a huge diversity of life that is strange and alien. You could combine that with a giant Bobbit worm made of smoke poking out of a portal to the elemental plane of fire. this is a vague idea.
Maybe come across some merfolk torturing a sapient giant electric eel, they are doing so to capture electricity that powers a magic artifact that keeps a merfolk child alive. free the eel and the child dies. leave it and a living thinking creature is tortured slowly to death.
While you observe the sea you notice a big shadow appear under the boat. A BIG shadow. A massive sea creature appears.
While sailing, suddenly it gets more and more foggy till you can barely see anything anymore. Suddenly you see a hazy ship coming out of the water and getting closer to you. The crew doesn't look normal (Black Pearl inspired)
You travel a long time on a boat with only a few passenger, you eat regularly together in the small tavern style restaurant on the boat and basically know all passengers by face. One day one of them disappears. Next day another one, and another one. The rest passengers get suspicious. The persons are nowhere to be found. The PCs try to investigate. In the end turns out a vampire is on the boat coming out when its cloudy or raining. (Dracula Series on Netflix, Second Episode)

Bonus: Combat Encounters 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14.
Edit 1: General comment about struggling with sub-lists. This got deleted in the great silliness of 11:30p on 7/11/2020 (see edit 2).
Edit 2: Well. Dang. That will teach me to edit and post only on a web form without a back up copy I had 78 things with complex lists for some of them and accidentally saved over them and lost all of that data. I'll have to redo it. Please don't down vote me in the meantime. I spent like 5 hours on it this afternoon and I'm devastated that I lost it all...
Edit 3: I've made a simple redo of the 5 hours of work and saved it elsewhere. It does not reflect the synthesizing of comments and repeats, the separating of combat from non-combat in people's suggestions, the removing of cuss words, the grammatical edits, or the embellishing that I did. I plan to do that in the next couple of days, but here is something in case you were counting on this list like tomorrow or something. Please note that the numbers may change on entries and if you comment on a specific entry, you may want to quote some of the content too. There are 20 of these that were originally combined, moved into combat, or otherwise not included in version 1.
Edit 4: the list says 100 but there are combat encounters in there. I still want to re-synthesize the list when I have a couple hours. I want to break out combat separate from non-combat, and possibly separate on the ocean vs. underwater.

Album of the Year #20: Lil B - The Hunchback of BasedGod

(Note: This review exceeds Reddit’s 40,000 character limit for text posts so three additional comments are posted in this thread with the rest of the review. Sorting comments by “old” will bring them up for you in order.)

EPISODE I: THE HUNCHED BACK MENACE

Welcome to Old BasedWorld
Hurried crowds, sparse synths and ringing cathedral bells in the streets of Old BasedWorld set the scene for our journey. High above the town in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, a young man with a hunched back dreams of a brighter tomorrow.

Staring Out My Window
“The only way you could really feel this pain is from the BasedGod” – From this opening line along with the somber instrumental accompanying it Lil B makes it clear that this project will be different from the hyphy material he’d been releasing since Black Ken. The BasedGod’s stirring musical backdrop allows Brandon to reminisce on the times he spent as a troubled youth staring out the windows of Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral (as pictured on the album cover), dreaming of a normal life with the rest of the citizens across the bridge in ~~San Francisco~~ New BasedWorld.

The Many Sides of a Genius
Using a compilation of voicemails taken directly from Old BasedWorld’s only working phone, Lil B uses these messages to convey his own message. The people leaving these voicemails were clearly important people in Brandon’s life and, one could say, are some of the “sides of genius” that helped him develop into the man he is today. It continues the album’s narrative of a brilliant soul whose talent and ambition are unnoticed by the outside world, with only those who are closest to him recognizing the genius within.

Ain’t Gon Pick Up
One of the people leaving a voicemail on “The Many Sides of a Genius” mentioned how Lil B never picks up his phone, so it’s only appropriate that the next song has B discussing why he chooses not to answer the phone in Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral. It also ties back in to the theme of unrecognized talent, with Brandon stating in the chorus “I ain’t gon pick up, nobody gives a fuck so I don’t give a fuck”. References to stomach pains and Crohn’s disease further highlight how B is feeling “sick to [his] stomach” of being disrespected: by the end of the song, the listener fully understands why Lil B wouldn’t be interested in picking up his phone.

Hunchback of BasedGod
One of the album’s great conceptual triumphs. Lil B states from the jump that this song is meant to be a set of instructions for the Hunchback of BasedGod for his eventual descent from his perch back into the town of Old BasedWorld and beyond. It’s still unclear whether or not Lil B himself is the Hunchback, the BasedGod, the Hunchback of BasedGod, or none of the above: the abstractness allows the listener to form their own perceptions and create their own story. Again, there’s a continuation of themes from the previous songs, with further references to stomach pains and issues of self-worth and meaninglessness coming from Lil B: with so much pain in this world, is it even worth it for the Hunchback to enter society? By the end of the song, Brandon affirms that it is, stating, “Do it and don’t just watch/ Step in the game and have fun/ We all townspeople, we one/”. As such, the Hunchback leaves the cathedral, passing through the cobblestone streets of Old BasedWorld while hushed onlookers stare silently, as he ventures out towards New BasedWorld.

Berkeley San Francisco Its the BasedGod
This song is delivered from the perspective of the Hunchback, as revealed in the first line of the first verse: “I got the hunched back from all the depression”. Themes of struggle from the previous tracks reemerge, but you get the sense that the Hunchback is beginning to build up his self-esteem, boasting how he refuses to conform to the looks and expectations of the other townsfolk. He also seems to have gotten past the lack of recognition that was hindering him on “The Many Sides of a Genius” and “Ain’t Gon Pick Up”, as he proudly exclaims, “Who cares if I’m famous?” This gives the Hunchback the confidence to finally travel across the bridge he so often observed from his cathedral window. The townspeople are stunned: the ~~Golden Gate~~ BasedWorld Bridge had been badly damaged and decayed for decades, with no one daring to cross in the fears that it would collapse. But the Hunchback’s persistence leads him to make it across unscathed.

Outer Mission Music
With his feet firmly set in New BasedWorld, the Hunchback visits the colony of Outer Mission, a tight-knit community of New BasedWorld inhabitants who are unsure of how to react to their visitor. Lil B spends much of this track describing his interactions with the colony’s locals, which include Justin Timberlake, Alex Rodriguez, and Lionel Messi as tribe members. He also manages to make the situation surrounding the identities of his disparate personalities even more confusing, stating, “Lil B, I’ve seen him in public/ Is that the Hunchback of BasedGod, or is that the BasedGod? It’s BasedGod/” Will we ever know the difference?

Wake Up Get High Go Back to Sleep
In spite of a renewed sense of confidence brought upon by his decision to leave his old life behind, not all is perfect in the Hunchback’s mind. On this joint (pun intended) he harkens back to his days in the cathedral, where he would spend his mornings smoking heavy doses of marijuana in order to numb the pain of his seclusion, often to the point of losing consciousness. It’s also worth noting that the only weed that grows naturally in Old BasedWorld is mids, so the Hunchback would need to smoke a significant amount to achieve the desired effect.

Video Game That I Still Play
The irony in the title of this song is that the “video game” the BasedGod is referencing here is in fact a metaphor for his own life’s journey. As he so aptly states during the chorus: “My life is like a video game/ It’s been so weird, but I still play”. The fact of the matter is, Lil B could have chosen to rage quit this game of life long ago, but his perseverance has brought him to a new place of inner peace within the confines of New BasedWorld, even if the townsfolk are still unsure of how to respond to their new neighbor.

I Rather Die Then Go Home
At the end of the previous song, the Hunchback makes reference to an incident where he visited the Café Au Coquelet, a boutique restaurant in New BasedWorld. Upon his arrival, he received a similar reaction to those he used to receive in his homeland: “I go to restaurants, people stop smiling”. While some of the townspeople have begun to appreciate his presence, many of the other New BasedWorld residents still recognize his outsider status and continue to shun him as a result. This song is B’s response, with a firm affirmation that he would rather die than have to go back to the life of isolation he led in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, where he wasn’t really living life to begin with. That said, the song’s mistitling of based comrade The-Dream’s original line of “I’d rather die than go home” as “I rather die then go home” leaves the Hunchback’s true intentions up for interpretation.

Crying in the Club
After finishing a five-course meal at the boutique, B ventures out to the party district of New BasedWorld, where he surprisingly gets admitted to one of the most exclusive night clubs in the land. As he observes the scene, the crushing reality of the differences between himself and the other clubgoers becomes apparent. A single tear is shed, followed by another, and another, until the BasedGod is in a state of full-blown emotional distress. In spite of his condition, he makes it known that he isn’t ashamed of wearing his heart on his sleeve, openly admitting in the chorus: “I don’t really care if I hurt myself, I don’t really care who sees”. This unyielding display of raw emotion brings the music and dancing to a halt. All eyes are now fixated on the strange being with the tear-stained T-shirt and the disfigured spine. He lets out a desperate plea: “I just want a hug…” To the surprise of the Hunchback, the residents of New BasedWorld collectively embrace him, looking past his outer deformities to recognize the beautiful soul that exists within. Historians would later acknowledge this moment as the primary catalyst for the BasedWorld Revolution™.

EPISODE II: THE COLD WARS

Voyage to Berkeley California
Meanwhile, down in the town of Old BasedWorld, the townsfolk slept restlessly, their dreams invaded by shadowy fake based figures digging away at their souls. Every day, people would wake and stare at the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Why was the Hunchback not ringing the bells that had kept the evil spirits of the fake based realm out of their lives? It was then they realized that the Hunchback had crossed the sacred bridge and ventured to New BasedWorld. Frantic to reconcile with the gatekeeper they had long taken for granted, a group of the townspeople decide to bravely seek out the BasedGod in the hopes that he will return. However, they recognize that crossing the BasedWorld Bridge is something no mortal man is capable of doing and living to tell the tale. Using a secret map rumored to have been drawn up by Captain 66 himself, a group of citizens board a modest ship to cross the ~~San Francisco~~ BasedWorld Bay on a warm summer’s eve. Will they survive? Only time will tell.

Across the Sea
And here, ladies and gentlemen, we are presented with the greatest plot twist this side of the Fingerpoke of Doom: It turns out Lil B is not actually the Hunchback and/or the BasedGod after all.

Perhaps we should have known all along...

Indeed, unbeknownst to the townspeople (who themselves had just assumed all three entities were combined as one person), Lil B has remained in BasedWorld all along in disguise. About halfway into their journey across the Bay, Lil B’s resentment towards his shipmates and their longing for the Hunchback’s return gets the best of him, and the violent persona exhibited on tracks like “Murder Rate” and “Domestic Violence Case” overtakes Lil B’s natural pacifist tendencies. In a fit of rage, he attacks them, “knocking them off the boat” into the shark-infested waters and keeping all of the remaining LifeVests to himself. B himself recognizes the consequences of his actions, ending the song by saying, “This darkness… It’s scary.” Nonetheless, he refuses to be stopped in his mission to visit New BasedWorld and confront the Hunchback all on his own.

Where Is the Potion
Having arrived on the shores of New BasedWorld, Lil B ventures into town. Knowing that the only way to find the elusive Hunchback is through the townspeople who may have caught a glimpse of him, he travels to the aforementioned nightclub, with floors still drenched in the BasedGod’s tears from earlier, asking, “Where is the potion?” The response he’s given comes in the form of several bottles of liquor, which quickly dispel any notions of anxiety or self-doubt that may have stopped Lil B from completing his mission. A few of the club’s premium members willingly show him the spots around town where they had spotted the Hunchback, but any further clues of his whereabouts are hard to come by. Before they know it, they find themselves at one of the many riverbanks in New BasedWorld, where a celebration of the BasedGod’s glory is in full swing.

Riverdance
This instrumental is what Lil B and the clubgoers heard as they made their way to the bank of the river. Speaking with more of the natives, Lil B learns more of the Hunchback’s travels and experiences in New BasedWorld and begins to put the pieces together in his mind for where the BasedGod may be headed next.

Wolves and Snakes
As Lil B continues to plot his course, the BasedGod, who has just finished eating a salad on his way to the colony of Chaddick, senses a disturbance in the Based Force, feeling as though him and his hunched back may be in grave danger. He ponders on the wolves and the snakes that he was forced to deal with in his past life and reflects on the growth he’s experienced since leaving the dreaded, darkened halls of the Cathedral. In spite of this, he can’t help but shake the feeling that, like in the proverbial rear-view mirror, one of these wolves and/or snakes may be closer than they appear…

Meeting on UC Berkeley Campus Today
Undeterred, the Hunchback makes his way to UC Berkeley, New BasedWorld’s sole institution of higher learning. After giving a spirited 90 minute lecture on the power of positivity (modeled after previous lectures at such high class institutions as NYU,Carnegie Mellon and Princeton), the BasedGod is greeted by a mass of adoring students at the university. The male students beg for the BasedGod to fuck their bitches, and said bitches are more than willing to oblige. In a grand spectacle, the Hunchback has consensual sex with all 1,000 of the college’s female attendees while this instrumental blares out of speakers across the campus, being awarded with a trophy as a result of his success.

Artistic or Autistic
Elsewhere in New BasedWorld, Lil B attempts to strategize his next move. However, planning the escapade is made difficult thanks to B’s second most potent Internet distraction after his Twitter feed: Reddit. Going through a series of faked based comments on the hiphopheads subreddit, Lil B is particularly struck by a comment suggesting that he may in fact be suffering from the neurological disorder autism. The assertion is an eye-opening moment for him: after all, the elevated levels of lead found in Old BasedWorld’s drinking water had been a concern amongst the town’s scientists for years, and his own behaviors and thought patterns seemed to align relatively well with the common symptoms of the condition. After a brief moment of solemnity, Lil B realizes that his immaculate catalog of music has been made possible because of who he is, and if he is autistic, it is an essential component of his artistic output. This song is the result of this revelation.

Free 03
Our story continues as the BasedGod chooses to use his newfound fame and glory to give back to the New BasedWorld community. He begins volunteering at the New BasedWorld Penitentiary, espousing his worldview and giving advice to the inmates on how to make positive contributions to society after they have served their time. One particular inmate catches his eye: a fellow hip hop artist named 03 Greedo, who was arrested a few years earlier in a drug trafficking scheme. The Hunchback’s conversations with the young man have a profound impact on him, and in the weeks and months to come, Greedo becomes the model prisoner for other inmates to aspire to be, with intentions of joining the ministry upon his release. The BasedGod, proud of what he was able to accomplish, promises to dedicate a song on his new 50 song mixtape to Greedo.

Rhode Island
Rhode Island, officially the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, is a state in the New England region of the northeastern United States. It is the smallest U.S. state by area, the seventh least populous, but is also the second most densely populated. Rhode Island is bordered by Connecticut to the west, Massachusetts to the north and east, and the Atlantic Ocean to the south via Rhode Island Sound and Block Island Sound. It also shares a small maritime border with New York. Providence is the state capital and most populous city in Rhode Island.

As Rhode Island is located on the opposite side of the continent from Old and New BasedWorld, it has nothing to do with this story other than this brief mention of its existence.

I’m Depressed Again
While the Hunchback is continuing to make great strides in improving the lives of the people in New BasedWorld, he continues to be fazed by an ever-growing sense of something troubling being on the horizon. A dark evil is emerging that he cannot foresee, and he worries that by the time he learns what this evil may be, it will be too late. This sends the BasedGod back into a spiraling depression, one not felt since the last day he had spent alone in the cathedral. He warns his closest confidants of the impending doom, saying, “Real talk… Feel it through your heart. Feel it through the spirit. You can feel it through the dark, cold as ever.”

Café Au Coquelet
At the same time as the Hunchback is experiencing this sense of dread, Lil B has made his way to Café Au Coquelet, one of the first spots in New BasedWorld that was graced by the power and the glory of the BasedGod. Lil B immediately detects the Hunchback’s prior presence in the vicinity: all of the restaurant’s guests are acting unusually positive and based towards one another, and the only dish that anyone has ordered over the past week has been the clams casino. Lil B also recognizes that the music playing in the background of the restaurant (the instrumental that is this song) was created by the BasedGod. Enraged, he stands up on the restaurant tables and begins to lambast the townsfolk for having fallen for the lies and deceit of a false prophet. He dictates a new philosophy, beginning by disposing of the food everybody has already ordered and teaching them how to cook for themselves. Before long, the entire restaurant is cooking to “Like a Martian”. A growing sect of New BasedWorld begins to emerge in objection to the Hunchback’s teachings, with Lil B and the swag movement as their new leader.

Downtown Berkeley Protest
Back in the colony of Berkeley, the BasedGod is gathering his followers together for a celebration of optimism and goodwill unto others. His new instrumental track plays as the Hunchback’s followers enjoy the festivities. It is at this moment that the BasedGod feels a searing pain encompass his entire being, and he recognizes that this is the moment he has been fearing for the past few weeks: the evil has arrived. A mass of residents from the other New BasedWorld colonies have descended upon the party with torches and handguns. Dressed in pink shirts, tiny pants and Vans sneakers, they march to the center of the crowd in unison, yelling nonsensical phrases such as “Figaro!” and “Martha Stewart!” as the frightened followers of the Hunchback look on. At the front of the mob is the leader, the enigmatic Lil B. He flashes a slight smile at the BasedGod, who stares directly back into the eyes of his former student. As the crowd of pretty residents begin to hurl insults and grievances towards the based residents, Lil B raises one hand, and the noise stops. Then, he begins to walk away. B’s worshipers follow him out of the city square in silent unison. Many of the Hunchback’s flock wonder if this is the end of the madness. However, the BasedGod knows deep down inside that this is just the beginning.

EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE BITCH

Bring the BasedGod and Lil B Gifts
This is a Cold War, and we know what each side is fighting for. The New BasedWorld citizens have been divided into an even split, with half of the townsfolk (now calling themselves the “Task Force”) following the ways of the Hunchback and the other half (now calling themselves the “Bitch Mob”) committing themselves to the teachings of Lil B. In a frantic attempt to prove the superiority of one leader over the other, the townspeople begin to bestow luxurious gifts and rewards upon their idols in an attempt to make one appear more grandiose than the other. Lil B relishes in his newfound fame, gladly accepting a plethora of PlayStation 2 and Xbox 360 games from his fans, along with a fully registered copy of FL Studio to allow him to produce beats on the same level as the BasedGod. Meanwhile, on the other side of the village, the Hunchback seems uncomfortable embracing his new role as a worshipped deity. Having become accustomed to people ignoring him or being flat-out disgusted by his appearance, the adjustment to now becoming the leader of thousands of men is one that is not made easily.

Body Shaming
The opposing sides of New BasedWorld’s population quickly transition from honoring their respective leaders to creating smear campaigns against the opposition. One of the Bitch Mob’s most talented computer hackers manages to secure nude photographs of the Hunchback and distribute them online, highlighting the embarrassing weight gain that the BasedGod has endured over the past 5 years. The Hunchback is at first distraught upon hearing the news: “Why are they body shaming me? Why would they say all these mean things?” It is only when the BasedGod taps into his creamy center, where all the gooey happy-lovin' goo sits that allows him to be the nicest, most compassionate person he’s ever been, that he’s able to let the world know that he will not fall down so easy. He releases this song on his MySpace as a rebuttal, saying, “There's no reason to bully people and make fun of folks”. The Task Force immediately lauds the song as the perfect response to the scandal, while the Bitch Mob lashes out at the lack of trap drums and celebrity-based adlibs.

Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap
“So self-conscious, you feel me?”: Despite the approval of his comrades, the BasedGod is unable to shake the ever-persistent sense of self-hatred that is being exacerbated by the actions of the Bitch Mob. He feels his mind regressing to a prior state of fear and insecurity akin to that of his days spent in isolation in the Cathedral. Deep inside, the Hunchback finds himself in the midst of an existential crisis: how can one speak on the benefits of positivity and self-love when one does not truly love thyself? What would the consequences be of allowing this negativity to manifest itself in real time? Surely, an admission of hopelessness would spell defeat for the Task Force, allowing Lil B and his army of pretty townsfolk to rule the land for all eternity. But it would also be hypocritical for the BasedGod to continue to preach the Gospel of Based when his mind is not in a based state of being. In a move that would prove to be one of the most shocking of the Cold War, the Hunchback gathers his followers in the town square to announce that he will be taking an oath of silence until peace can be found between the two factions of New BasedWorld, capping off his decree with the debut of his ‘final’ song, “Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap”. The crowd gasps and devolves into hysteria, with thousands pleading for the Hunchback to reconsider, rightly worried over what would become of the based movement without the voice of its sole originator. But the BasedGod is persistent. He silently walks through the crowd, hugging each of his based brethren (and consensually face-fucking some of the females) before departing, possibly for good. Some time after midnight, he successfully crosses the Based Bridge and returns to Old BasedWorld, making his way back to the Cathedral without a single soul noticing his presence. He travels to the deepest, darkest depths of the Cathedral’s caverns, located miles beneath the Earth’s surface, where he begins an indefinite period of contemplation and meditation. This sequence of events would prove to be a milestone of the BasedWorld Revolution™, and would be forever immortalized in the cover art for the Where Did the Sun Go? mixtape.

Intermission
It was a bad time for both Old and New BasedWorld. The Hunchback just stayed inside his Cathedral and he never came out. People said his brain was infected by fake based devils. The Task Force hurt the most of all: without their leader, they crumbled and succumbed to the will of the Bitch Mob. Lil B’s tyrannical rise to power was all but complete. In the months that followed, he would expand his territorial control, conquering the villages of Albany and East Oakland and even sending troops to claim regions of land as far away as Hawaii and Nepal.

Nearly a full year after the disappearance of the BasedGod, Lil B’s armies waged war on Old BasedWorld. The BasedWorld Bridge was destroyed, leaving Lil B and his followers (who controlled the naval fleets) as the only ones who had access to both sides of the territory. After taking most of its citizens hostage and establishing a new structure of government with Lil B at the helm, the Bitch Mob began to formulate its Ultimate ~~Bitch~~ Plan to capture the Hunchback. One night, they rushed the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, setting it ablaze and burning the once-iconic structure to the ground in the hopes of finding the charred body of the BasedGod buried underneath the rubble. When they failed to retrieve the body, the contingent of pretty boys and girls was ordered by Lil B to venture underground, as an ancient prophecy had foretold the Hunchback’s journey to the center of the Earth. Armed with assault rifles of all varieties, they began their descent into the depths of the caverns.

However, the deeper they traveled, the more they became disillusioned by their actions, and the actions of their once-beloved leader Lil B. They did not realize that the closer they got to the Hunchback, the more they were swayed by his righteousness and his way of being. Soon, they were no more than a few hundred yards from locating the BasedGod. It was at this moment that they had a great awakening, recognizing the error of their ways and freeing themselves from the spell that had been placed on them by Lil B. They abandoned their mission, instead choosing to return to the surface without the Hunchback. Lil B, furious at the group’s reluctance to complete their task, began to chastise his former followers, and prepared to issue one of his infamous curses upon them, one which would result in certain death. Having become completely overwhelmed with the guilt and the shame of their exploits as part of Lil B’s army (and also acknowledging the fact that none of them would ever win an NBA championship now without signing to Golden State), they instead turned the guns Lil B had given to them on themselves, committing mass suicide on top of the remains of the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Thousands of Old BasedWorld onlookers stared in paralyzing shock as the sound of hundreds of guns discharged at once. What followed was several hours of silence, as Lil B, covered in the blood of his former troops, coldly stared at the mass of dead bodies, trying his best to process what had just taken place.

EPISODE IV: A NEW HO(PE)

The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Bay, most of the former Task Force members still remaining in New BasedWorld have all but accepted their fates, purchasing clothing that is too tight for them to wear comfortably and listening to the government-approved “Cooking Music” playlist on a constant loop. A small contingent of Hunchback loyalists remain, holding private meetings in the basement of the Café Au Coquelet and listening to the “Based Music” playlist in shrouded secrecy. Upon learning that Lil B and a commission of his troops had left to invade Old BasedWorld, the few remaining Task Force members felt it was safe enough to worship the Hunchback out in the open one last time. As most of the Bitch Mob members who had crossed the BasedWorld Bay with Lil B had come from the village of West Berkeley, the BasedGod’s loyal comrades choose the village’s Waterfront area as the gathering place for the ceremony. Unbeknownst to any of the group’s members, the mass suicides in Old BasedWorld were taking place at the exact same time as the celebration in New BasedWorld was commencing. The Task Force members rejoice, harmoniously singing the BasedGod’s favorite songs of worship: “B.O.R. (Birth of Rap)”, “The Age of Information” and “No Black Person Is Ugly” are belted out towards the heavens. Suddenly, the youngest of the Task Force’s members (who goes by the name of u/insabnma) feels a twinge underneath his bare feet. He looks down at the ground and notices that he has stepped on a golden USB drive, encrusted with diamonds and embroidered with the word “BASED” in all caps. The curious group of based boys and girls procure a laptop and, upon plugging the drive in, are amazed to find a .zip folder of 13 unreleased instrumentals credited as being produced by the BasedGod. Even more amazingly, the first song is entitled “The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night”: the exact place and time of day that they are performing their ritual. The Task Force members ecstatically listen to the new music, with several being driven to the point of involuntary orgasm. Throughout the night, word spreads throughout New BasedWorld of the drive’s existence, and suddenly, the followers of the Hunchback have a renewed sense of hope.

Games of Berkeley and Magic Cards
The next evening, thousands of Task Force members, old and new, join together in the town square of Berkeley, the last place that the Hunchback was seen alive. A Task Force party has commenced, with various games being played and the Based Music playlist blasting from the colony’s speakers. As it is nearing midnight, the townspeople are each given a magic life card, rumored to be the same life cards that were discussed in the BasedGod’s legendary philosophical diatribe [“Life on Earth”](). At the stroke of 12, the second of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played, as the crowd enthusiastically chants “Thank You BasedGod” along to the beat. The expectation is that the Hunchback will hear their prayer and reemerge by the end of the song. However, this was not to be the case: the instrumental ends, with the BasedGod nowhere to be found. For a moment, the Task Force is disheartened, wondering if the signs pointing to a return of the Hunchback were too good to be true. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a shooting star flies across the Berkeley sky, the brightest and most brilliant star that anyone in the colony has ever seen. It continues to arc across the northwestern skyline and appears to land in the village of Albany, a formerly based territory which has been overrun with members of the Bitch Mob. The Task Force is again filled with a renewed sense of hope at this discovery, as they courageously follow the signs that could lead them to the Hunchback’s holy ascension.

Walking Through Albany California
Upon arriving in Albany, the Task Force members notice a contingent of Bitch Mob members huddled around a large crater, approximately one mile in diameter. Evidently, this is where the shooting star had landed. One of the senior members of the tribe is examining the star, which, contrary to its once large and brilliant appearance, has been reduced to the size of a small rock. Several Bitch Mob members now make their way into the crater to examine the fallen star. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the once-dead star explodes into thousands of pieces, each piece shooting out towards the heads of a Bitch Mob member (though some less fortunate members wind up getting hit in the balls). When the star touches each member, it instantly uploads the third of the BasedGod’s secret instrumentals directly into their cerebral cortex. The Bitch Mob members are at first displeased at the lack of poorly mixed 808s and rattling hi-hats, but soon after, they begin to comprehend and enjoy the BasedGod’s alternative production style. Once the song has finished, they have all been converted into full-fledged comrades of the Task Force. The Berkeley delegation of Task Force welcomes their new brothers and sisters into the fold, and the group marches on to spread the word of the Hunchback’s return to the other villages.

The Sound of Being Bullied
While this is all occurring in the BasedWorld territories, something else entirely is beginning to unfold in the far away kingdom of Detroit, Michigan. Teejay Witherspoon, the Bitch Mob’s certified rarest hacker, leans back in his chair and slyly grins. His successful exploitation of the BasedGod a year ago has proven to be a major turning point in the young man’s life. His notoriety has allowed him to start a rap career of his own, with several music videos on YouTube having gone viral throughout the past 12 months. His loyalty to the Bitch Mob has been unquestioned, and he has since been promoted to a senior position within the fold. As he clicks his way through a darkweb laundering scheme one evening, he leaves to take a shit and, upon returning to his computer, notices that a mysterious golden USB drive has been plugged into the laptop. Only one file exists on the drive: an audio file entitled “The Sound of Being Bullied.flac”. Teejay curiously loads the file into VLC, and the instant the song begins, he is assaulted with a rush of crushing despair and depression. The title of the song spoke for itself. Teejay is experiencing the totality of the Hunchback’s negative emotions that had been fueled by his prior actions, but even more intensely, and as the emotions begin to amplify, he next notices that his physical being is being affected as well. His body is shaking uncontrollably, his skin is beginning to peel, his eyes are popping out of his skull. After four minutes and seven seconds of agonizing torture, his entire being bursts into flames, unable to handle the power of the BasedGod’s wrath. The song ends.

No Longer Afraid of the Dark
It’s dark. The air is still. The ground is hot. Water drips from the ceiling. The Hunchback, in a deep state of reflection, hasn’t moved a muscle for over 12 months. His shriveled body has been starved of nourishment and exercise, but fortunately, his weight gain has had the positive effect of having enough fat stored to keep him alive. The amount of based energy needed to have maintained this state of being has aged the BasedGod considerably. He has been devoid of almost any sense of perception for at least a few months. A faint glow radiates from his being. He has concentrated his powers to what was thought to be an unattainable degree of positivity. Before his extended withdrawal from society, the negative side of the force was something that the Hunchback struggled to put out of mind. At the level of based he now encompasses, the light of positivity is too grand for the BasedGod to fail. He is no longer afraid of the dark. And that’s because the dark no longer exists. The cavern has been filled with his based radiance. And the Hunchback is almost ready to return and spread this radiance throughout the land.

Nepal Wants the BasedGod
All across BasedWorld, shooting star sightings have been abound, and thousands upon thousands of Bitch Mob members have been converted to Task Force faithful. Even beyond the traditional confines of BasedWorld, rare star sightings have also been seen in the Bitch Mob’s disparate properties. A star lands in the Bitch Mob’s Nepalian expansion territory. After having its people cleansed with the power of the BasedGod’s sixth secret instrumental track, Nepal adopts a new constitution which entails all of its citizens to embrace the Hunchback’s teachings of optimism and self-love.

Taxi Around Town
The streets of Old BasedWorld have been in dire need of repair ever since the Bitch Mob ransacked the colony, but that doesn’t stop Travis, one of the land’s only remaining horse-drawn taxi drivers, from making a buck. One evening, he picks up a mysterious hooded figure in one of the town’s more dangerous districts. The man enters the carriage, greeting the driver with two words: “Hello, Travis.” The driver says nothing. The horses begin their trek through the streets, passing by a row of burning buildings. Travis breaks his silence. “It’s lit,” he says. “The buildings, that is. There’s only a few Bitch Mob members left at this point but they always blow these things up.” The figure feels more comfortable speaking to the driver: “I hear you got the nomination”. It dawns on Travis that this person must be almost exactly one year behind the times: has he ever even heard of Cardi B? Regardless, he plays along. “Straight up. Won’t be long now.” The figure smiles, quipping, “Well, I hope you win.” He then proceeds to remove his hood. Travis looks back and momentarily gasps. His composure returns soon thereafter. Unsure of how to proceed, he attempts to continue the conversation. “I… I read about you in the papers… How are you?” Knowing he’s referring to the suicides, the figure replies, “Oh, it’s nothing new, I got over that.” They sit in silence for the remainder of the ride. Soon, the horses come upon their destination, the edge of the BasedWorld Bay. The figure gets out of the car. Turning to Travis, he asks, “How much was it?” Travis is nearly speechless. He lets out one final Auto-Tuned “So long………..LA FLAME!” and the horses gallop off.

Berkeley California Before Lil B
A massive cleaning project has commenced throughout Berkeley. The townspeople have nearly all been converted to followers of the BasedGod by this point, and in a unanimous vote, the colony’s leaders choose to rid Berkeley of any and all trace of Lil B and his formerly effective propaganda. Murals are whitewashed, statues are torn down, and portraits are removed from public spaces as the eighth of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played on a loop. The many books proclaiming Lil B’s omnipotence are collectively burned to ash in the town square. Even saying the name “Lil B” is punishable by fine of up to $30,000, equivalent to the amount of money Lil B had charged for features (in contrast to the Hunchback’s extremely generous $0.01 minimum fee for a verse). The townspeople are once again a tight-knit unit of based human beings living their best lives. It was just like Berkeley California before Lil B.

Room 1515: A search for an inception

Room 1515: The Search for an Inception.
Let’s get one thing straight: I knew exactly what I was doing when I came to this hotel. I’d heard through the rumor mill of a place like this for months now. Any writer or respectable artist lacking as much inspiration as me would be searching for a place like this like a lost social security card. Needless to say, I sought this place out to the best of my ability. I chased rumor after rumor, scrounging up old newspaper clippings, and investigating ‘disallowed’ texts from libraries left and right. I needed some sort of basis for my next story, something I could hopefully spin into a book.
I have been an artistic and mental dry well for months on end. So naturally when the moment came where I finally discovered my target location, I threw my belongings into a bag and hit the road. How could I pass up a place with only rumors and unverified documents identifying it as actually real, right? Precisely, I knew what I was doing when I came here. I knew the risks in both regards, if it wasn’t real and the terrifying possibility that it is. However, it’s clear I am not the only guest to this establishment it seems? No, this place is crawling with social outcasts (like myself), men in, just as you imagine cheesy detective attire, what appear to be ‘regulars’, and the honest to god vacationers. The problem with that last group is that I can’t even remotely begin to fathom what the appeal for this place is outside of experiencing a lovecraftian tale in reality. Maybe I am the only one, but the state of the unoccupied floor 15 left me disappointed, if not surprised.
I ordered my room in a very cautious and deliberate manner, that meaning that I intentionally chose an isolated floor from the rest of my fellow patrons. The hallway leading to my room was nothing short of below expectations. The walls were an awkward beige color with the occasional dark spots, and the walls smelled of some kind of mold. The carpeting was clearly done in a hurry, and showed signs of age of the years, with torn seams and definitely not up to standard patch jobs. To me, the state of this place was peculiar considering the divided rumors of the hotel itself. There is obviously no correct answer here, but the locals seem to be positively spot on two schools of thought. Some argue that this hotel has only been here for a few days, which would really be alarming for the immense history and overall aged appearance of just this hallway.
Another group would say that this place has been a scourge on this land for generations, and that the origin is shrouded in uncertainty, simply it has been here for as long as they can remember. No matter the origin, nothing could have prepared me for the state of the room and for the fact that it was breathtaking. The overwhelming contrast from the hallway immediately became apparent by manor solely of the door to 1515 itself. The handle was encrusted with a fine golden material that formed a shape of a lion's head on the center of the lock. When I took my first step into the room, my nostrils were invaded by cleaning products, which matched the well kept appearance of the room itself.
The bed was tucked properly and layered with decorative pillows and the sheets were made of fine quality material fit for a king. Speaking of being fit for a king, parts of the interior were littered with paintings that oozed medieval and renaissance era style. The bathroom was neatly compact, stuffed with products and a grand bathtub. The mirror of the bathroom spoke to me the most however, it was pieced together in a gorgeous and regal manor. An outline of bright silver and emerald withheld the mirror which was spacious enough to cover my whole body. It felt like I was almost looking at myself in HD, like somehow my tattered old jacket, painfully overgrown hair, and overall battered appearance wasn’t actually the subject of stares. In a way, it was almost as if someone had just put graphic shaders on reality; the light your pc on fire variety. So much as the presence of the mirror was almost haunting, as if it should be accompanied by a cathedral choir, my own reflection felt like a piercing gaze and a window into my soul.
I had no idea how this was possible, but I immediately documented the mirror in my journal as my first actual paranormal encounter. In the main room there was a standing table for a widescreen tv, several lamp shades, clothing chests, a miniature fridge, a large window with golden drapes, and the typical accommodating luxury items for a fancy hotel. However, I took notice of a desk, with a basket of assorted fruits and a hotel directory all addressed with my name attached to a note card.
“Jackson D. Merric.”
The letters of my name were the cheap fake-gold color you’d find at a cvs pharmacy ‘letters’ aisle, needless to say they were lifeless and not all as attractive as likely intended. The contents of the note card were a directory for the hotel, stating the hours for the bar, the pool, and the typical hotel fare. All of the text was black and white, clearly from a colorless printer, barring bright red letters accompanied by a yellow caution symbol stating that floor 17 is closed indefinitely. This was not a surprise to me, considering that the elevator had a clearly missing floor 17 button; with only a hole and the defining metallic scrapes of something torn out in a hurry. The note however meant little to me in this circumstance, or rather the contents of it meant little, because the fact that the letter was here at all was perplexing. I had only just checked into my room at the reception desk mere minutes prior, I did not have any prior reservations, so how did this entire assorted basket get here before my bags?
I knew there after that my room was just a microcosm of something much much deeper occurring within the hotel itself. I wanted to know more.
I spent my next few moments taking in the view from the hotel window, the view of the lake in the distance was admittedly gorgeous, and almost uncomfortably so. By all accounts, it really was breathtaking, beautiful trees and accompanied lucious fields teeming to the brim with wildlife, all over a setting sun. Yet, it was to me the uncanny valley equivalent of a scenic view, it felt off, like someone was just injecting that sunset straight into my mind. My moment of contemplation was interrupted by a single pound on my door. The Bellboy had finally arrived with my bags.
“Hey there!”
Nothing, he was dead silent, and his long shaggy hair kept his face from anything close to eye contact.
“Thank you! Hey, you don't have the time do you?”
I knew he wasn’t going to speak, I just wanted to see how far I could take this to learn as much as I could about the boy before me. His head finally glanced up at me for a moment, and I could partially make out the least human expression I have ever seen a person make. Suffice to say, he looked dead.
“The suns coming down you know? I just wanted to get the direct time, thanks for the basket by the way.”
He cautiously reached out his wrist to me, trembling, like he was learning how to stretch his arm for the first time. On his wrist stood an ancient looking wrist watch, which read exactly 12 pm... in the afternoon.
— I knew, without a shadow of a doubt what I was getting myself into coming here, but that didn’t exactly mean I knew where to start. Hell, initially I didn’t really know what to be looking for at all. Then, my next objective came to me by way of raw caffeine pretending to be a human. The girl before stood at what could I assume to be 5’2 with long brown hair, and slightly blonde highlights. She rocked back and forth as the elevator moved downwards, if peppiness as a concept was a person, this was her. Admittedly I was attempting to avoid making conversation, the standard fare for me usually, but when the girl noticed my journal conversation became a must for her.
“Is that made of leather?!”
“Yeah, I’ve had it for a long time, I use it to jot down my life and idea, basic stuff”
“Oh! Do you like writing too?”
“Actually yeah, I suppose so, it’s why I’m here honestly?”
“Seriously?! Dude are you kidding?”
“No I’m—
“That’s why I’m here too, this place is like a gold mine for everything that doesn’t belong to be seen by the public!”
I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation, honestly. Maybe it was just how little I planned to interact with other guests or how nonchalant and casual she seemed about this place being shrouded in incomprehensible rumors. We chatted for a moment, and she explained to me that she was headed to the library in the hotel, one I didn’t know they had.
“That isn’t in the directory right?”
“Uhm, yeah it is.” Her expression looked almost puzzled by me for a moment.
The elevator stopped on floor B1 and it revealed to me an open library, sprawling with shelves and all manner of books. How did I not know of this, and how did I never see that there were more floor options than just the main floors? The library was enormous, and straight out of some childhood imagination.
“What even are all these books? What is this?”
“Dude, are you new to this type of deal or something?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Is this the first time you’ve ever tried exploring this side of the world?”
“Pardon?”
She looked at me with one eyebrow raised and an almost disapproving smirk. She took a deep breath, gestured for me to grab a seat.
“Let’s get one thing straight, you really don’t have a clue what you’re in for huh?”
“I guess not.”
“Listen buddy, for your sake I’m gonna keep it simple. The world as you may possibly know it is filled with unspeakable horrors and tales from those who have witnessed them are outcast, and hidden from the world. A lot of the first hand accounts are buried by the government and those in power to erase any chance of the major populous ever becoming too aware of what is taking place just below the surface of our society. The written archives are stored all over the world, and this hotel? It happens to have a vast collection. From stories about park rangers discovering something unspeakable, ordinary people becoming wrapped up in something horrible, or drifters like you winding up in a place like this. What you’re seeing now is a place with only a fraction of that information withheld.”
It took me a moment to even comprehend what I had heard. I knew I shouldn’t be surprised, I spent days on end researching the Hotel Non Dormiunt. The content I discovered along the way brought me into a world I was not entirely prepared to witness. Rumors of the origins of this place, and would could have possibly led to the inception of this place. Right then and there, I knew what my next objective was, and what I wanted.
“What is this place?”
“I just told you, this is a collection of—“
“No, I mean what is the Hotel?”
“Not a clue. I’m just here for the knowledge, all of these books are free material for days, I’m gonna make so much money off of this stuff.”
Well, at least she was devoted to her goals, even if it was kinda theft?
I spent the next while of my time researching the library for any manner of content about the hotel itself. I chased after alphabetical order, passing by dates and novels of all kinds. Eventually I conceded defeat and asked the girl who was loading at least twenty books into a gym bag, for aid.
“Check the catalogues, that’s just documents, maybe you’ll find something there? Honestly, you probably shouldn’t waste your time with this, just get what you have and get out of here. That’s what I’m doing, peace!”
Paper after paper, I finally located a catalogue that stated “Hotel Non Dormiunt check in dates.” At the top of the page stood an incredibly uncomfortable date. “June 6th 1944: Check ins”. For awhile, I was not positive on the relevance of that date until I saw an annotation of the location “Normandy.” Wasn’t June 6th 1944 D-Day? The catalogue was covered in dates that made the hairs on my skin raise. Days like 9/11, November 22nd 1963, and so many more days in history were all marked on the catalogue. On those days, few people checked in, and there were few names of note. How could this even be possible, the hotel opened around these places on those dates.
How could it have moved all the way over the world, crossing continents? My mind raced with confusion. The hotel had accordingly been open even in times during the 1700s, but beyond that the catalogue has a clear tear where former dates once were. I fell back and slammed against the bookshelf behind me. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Beside the catalogue, I found a document that stated staff. Jackpot. I tried to transcribe as many as I could, but frankly the amount of staff members was somewhat astonishing to me, there was page after page with names.
Bellboy: Maxwell B.
Head Chef: Ian W
Janitor: Samuel M.
Service manager: Bryant (No last name identified)
Marketing team: Jacob M and Michael S. (What marketing?)
Garden keeper: Diana L.
Now there was a name very clearly expunged from the very top of the document, where I assume it would say “Manager”. I was left puzzled, if there were pages of staff, where the hell were they? How have I only encountered that Bellboy, Maxwell. I was also absolutely positive they did not have a garden, in fact after I gathered my information, I went back to the ground floor.
Hotel Non Dormiunt upon immediate judgment seems to have a very old school appeal. The carpet patterns are a sort of 1920s red and black checkered pattern not too much unlike a casino. I wandered around for close to an hour when I finally found it, a metallic gate like door marked with the name “Garden” marked above it. When I made my way into the garden, I observed the exterior of the hotel was very medieval based, with arching marble and stone gargoyles lining the square garden. The garden stood in a sizable square, with walls on all signs and only the sun way above , shining down into the quaint little space. At the very center of the garden stood a woman in a Victorian era dress, with a parasol over her shoulder.
She was beautiful. Her hair was a flowing red color, which contrasted well to her emerald colored eyes. Her skin was soft and youthful, she couldn’t have been a day over 20. Using context clues, I figured this was Diana. She looked composed, focused on the beaming sunlight above the garden awning. When she noticed my presence her demeanor changed, and a soft inviting smile formed on the edge of her lips. Just looking at her made a wave of nostalgia wash over me, it felt like I knew her so well already. She waved a hand to me and for a moment, I did nothing but keep staring. She gestured her hand towards the small tea table beside her, and looked at me with a questioning gaze. I was not even aware she was beckoning me until she tilted her head out of confusion over my gaping jaw.
“Do you mean me?”
“Absolutely.”
Her voice was heavenly, soft, and motherly with an overall angelic posh tone. The world seemed to pause just by standing next to her, she was completely otherworldly.
“Starstruck, are we?”
I tried to speak coherent words but they came out more like a collection of syllables. Before me she prepared us two glasses of tea and invited me to sit across from her.
“Well, why have you come to the garden today young one?”
“I...I don’t really know?”
Through a gentle giggle, she spoke: “Well, do not fret, perhaps you would rather speak about the garden. Does it look as wonderful as you may remember?”
“Pardon?”
She ignored me. “Well, to your right you will see a row of roses, pretty right? On the left, my tulips, and to the right of those: lilies by the fountain.”
“it’s all beautiful, how did you manage to grow all of this here?”
“Ages of work.”
“Speaking of that, I just wanted to ask, do you know about the hotel, or where it came from?”
She looked hurt, and clutched her chest in retort. “Over there you will see my yellow carnations, lovely, yes?”
“Certainly, but do you?”
“Do you really want an answer to that question?”
“Yes, I do.”
She crossed her hands over one another and let our air through her nose. Apart from her appearance, her face seemed to wrinkle in some manner of anxiety.
“Jackson, do not waste your time with this place. You are still so young, you have spent your life alone and wandering, this is not your destination.” I started to feel really uncomfortable, a bead of sweat ran down my cheek.
“You have spent your life searching for a direction after that day, do you remember it? When your soft weary head collapsed upon that pillow and your mind conjured a wonderful world for you to stay in.”
How could I forget. The day I lost everything in only a few hours. My family, my innocence. I have long since grown from it by now, but the stress of her knowledge made a dam of emotion inside my mind break for a moment. How could she possibly know all of this, what the hell is even happening?
“How do you—“
“We’ve met before, do you not recall my face in your dreams, our garden in the otherworld of your subconscious?”
Of course I knew her, how could I forget someone like this, I kicked myself for not recognizing her immediately. My mind imploded on itself for a moment, the weight of merely coming to this hotel was happening so fast and directly, it was like I was orchestrated to have even arrived here. I couldn’t even fathom the words to articulate my terror, I was paralyzed by fear. My mind froze and a voice inside me began to scream that I needed to leave this place as fast I possibly could. My fight or flight had been triggered and it was looking to be flight as my option of choice.
“I know this is a lot to take in at one moment Jackson, that’s why I just wanted to speak about the garden. I wanted to distract the hotel for a moment, so you could escape. He sees you now however, and it will be only time until you cannot leave, so if you desire to find your answer, go and get your truth before you lose the ability to see it.”
I hesitated for a moment, who was ‘he’, and why did it feel like the peaceful atmosphere turned to the feeling of eyes watching me. I wanted to open my mouth and ask so many questions but before I could even think of what I wanted to say next, she spoke again.
“Jackson, if you dare to know the truth, you need to properly enter the hotel. Make your way to floor 17, in room 1717 you will locate a pail, collect and return to your room. Floor 17 will not be simple to traverse child; you will need to avoid any and all children you see approach you in the dark. If at any point you begin to feel a migraine you will only have mere minutes to obtain the sought after pail. Do not speak to any guests you encounter, and for all that is pure and good in the world, if you hear a mans laughter, just jump out of a window. That will be a preferred outcome” She winced and held her chest once more, the wrinkles on her face seem to grow deeper and her lively glow faded.
“What do I do with the pail?”
“Fill it with water, and douse your mirror, you saw it, did you not?”
“The one in my room?”
“Yes, you must wet your mirror and the next step there after will be up to you, so go and get your answer.” Her hair seemed to lose it’s red color, and speckles of grey formed in patches on it. Her dress appeared tattered and stained, and the yellow carnations began to wilt.
“Hurry Jackson, if you waste time, you will lose your chance, they know of you know, and I cannot protect you as I once did in your mind.You must learn what this hotel is, or rather what this hotel is not.”
I sat up from the table and turned to the door. The state of the garden was now dilapidated and heartbreaking. I could feel a lump in my throat form, I wanted to quit, to grab Diana and never let go. Yet, I steeled my will and marched on through the door. As I walked back into the hallway, I could hear the door lock behind me.
—
The elevator was still missing the button to floor 17, So I decided on a better course of action. When I returned to my room, it was as I left it, this bothered me more than I care to admit. It felt like the whole room should have been torn up thrashed to pieces. I knew that there was only one way I was gonna get into floor 17, and it was the only way to get to a higher floor without an elevator or staircase (serious fire code violation by the way). I grabbed my backpack and threw it over my shoulder, knowing this could be it, I made sure to bring my journal. I threw open my window and stepped out until the sill. I’ve always been scared of heights, but this was a new kind of terror. I slipped, I would fall to my most certain to death and likely be impaled by the architecture towards the bottom. I grabbed onto the nearest gargoyle statue and cautiously lifted myself upon its head.
I reached up for the window sill of 1616 and took about ten minutes to pull myself up to it. As I sat up against the window, I peered inside and had to ask myself “What in the hell is happening in here?!”. I didn’t have time to think about that, however. I hoisted myself to the next gargoyle and noticed the temperature was simmering. It caused my hand to slip and I banged against the side of the window. “Shit, sorry.” I said to myself. Finally, I pulled myself atop the hot gargoyle and jumped up to grab the 1717 window sill. I peered down for a moment, admiring that I had actually managed to climb two stories.
I knew there was gonna be only way into the pitch black room before me, I mean it’s not like there is a handle on the exterior. I retrieved my metallic flashlight, and smashed the glass as hard as I could. It cracked a few bits, and shattered after a few more swings. The pitch black room before me was beginning to become more visible. I took one step in and the steaming air immediately hit me. The warmth of the room was stunning, I couldn't discover the source of the heat, but it was like a thick mist of heat. Immediately, I could hear stirring in the hallway, banging all around. This was about to get difficult.
I began searching the room with my flashlight as quickly as my eyes would allow. The pail was nowhere in sight when suddenly all of the banging halted for a moment. For some reason, I couldn't control my stomach and vomited nearly impulsively. I knew right then and there I wouldn’t have time to hesitate, I would need to find the pail and get out of floor 17. A child’s voice began to speak to me from behind the front door.
The voice was distorted and hoarse, it sounded like several different children talking all at once. “Can you show me how to get back to my mom?”
I realized something terrible when the door knob began to turn. I charged for the door and slammed my shoulder against it, beginning to scream out of panic. That only made things worse, it attracted more of whatever was about to open that door. I slammed the lock of the door and that only seemed to piss them off more. Now the children’s voices sounded like a symphony of questions.
“What are you doing here?”
I scrambled to find the pail, checking under the beds and then deciding on the bathroom. Low and behold, sitting in the bathtub was a shiny golden pail. I grabbed the pail and raced for the window, but as I got to the edge I noticed a major problem.
“Where are the gargoyles?” I screamed. There was no down that wouldn’t assure death.
The banging on the door began to halt for a moment again, and a scream rang out in the darkness. It sounded like another group of people had found their way into floor 17. The girl’s scream was horrible, and I could hear thrashing battering the walls outside. As terrible as it was, this was my chance. I couldn’t let her life go to waste. This is why floor 17 was closed. Whatever sort of nightmare hell spawn they have running here, I knew that it needed to be exposed. I needed to find out the truth and escape. Why was floor 17 this way, the rest of the hotel while concerning was withholding such nightmares on the middle of an obscure floor. My life as a boring and simple average author was feeling like a long way away now. Regardless, I had to complete my goal all of these other people are doomed if I can’t expose the truth.
All in one moment, the banging ceased and the whole floor went deathly silent. I sat with my ear against the door for thirty minutes, just listening intently, I could not hear so much as the shuffle of feet. I didn’t want to risk them returning. I know this is stupid, but I’d like to say, put yourself in my shoes here. The hallway was pitch black and reeked; some manner of decay invaded my nostrils. I turned to my left and saw rooms lining the hallway, all with a welcome sight at the end. The elevator, I could call it and escape to a different floor. Carefully I made my way to the door, when a guttural groan escaped from the mouth of something at the other end of the hall. The massive hulking beast had fleshy tendrils in a place where I assumed it’s arms would be. It’s face was solely teeth, a culmination of human jaws.
They clacked to themselves in anticipation. The legs on the beast were lopsided and not at all facing the way they were supposed to be. It was turned towards the wall and shaking grotesquely, unaware of my presence. I couldn't call the elevator, the slightest shift of movement was enough to make it growl in curiosity. I did not know if it could see, but it sure could hear.
At that moment, room 1739 opened. The man who emerged looked to be one of those detective types, and he was followed by a younger girl and two men. They moved quietly as I did, but they would not be so lucky. The young girl among them began to whimper and cry as quietly as she could, but the creature heard it as clear as day. The detective screamed to the three to run, and run they did, barreling down the hallway. I slammed the elevator call button with my fist and prayed to God it would come in time. I knew I wouldn’t have much of a choice, it was do or die.
“RUN MAN!!” One of the men screamed to me.
I just needed a few seconds, just a few seconds and I could escape. The beast grabbed hold of the girl's leg and whipped her to the floor. The men turned back to try and help her but the detective kept running. She screamed violently and begged for help, the men were immediately slammed to the side and they began to scream too. I was already frozen in terror, but when the beast began to talk like a child, I struggled to keep my stomach in line. The detective arrived next to me clamming for breath.
“Y-you called the damn elevator?”
I didn’t answer him, I could only watch in terror as the girl has her arm ripped from her body, scattering bones and flesh onto the floor. The men convulsed backwards where they were impaled straight through the skull, they fell limp instantly. The creature feasted upon all three with it’s mouths, cackling the entire time.
The world around me seemed to pause, and before I knew it, I was dragged into the elevator by the detective. He sent us down to floor 1. The entire elevator ride down, I did not speak to him, the only thing I could focus on was the poor girl and the laughter of a man echoing throughout the hall just as the detective pulled me. When we finally arrived at ground level, I looked at the man.
“You left them…”
“They knew the risks.” He said, before stepping out, adjusting his hat and making for the foyer.
I was still frozen in place, terrified of what I had just seen. It took me a moment to stumble out of the elevator and begin my walk back to the garden. I wanted to see Diana. But I could not find the door. I was in the spot I was sure it would be in, but it was absent. A man in stereotypical Hawaiian vacation attire was walking passed with an ice cooler trailing behind him.
“Hey buddy, whatcha starin’ at that wall for…wait don’t tell me, you’ve had too much to drink ohohoh, don’t worry buddy I get you.”
“Where is the garden?”
“Oh, do they have a garden here? It didn’t say anything about that on the brochure!”
What brochure? That was all I could focus on for a moment, before I just nodded to the man and made my way back to the elevator.
When I returned to 1515, all I could do was fall into my bed and weep for a moment. What sort of nightmare am I witnessing? I did not have a clue what I had gotten myself into. But I knew I was about to find out the answer, I rose from the bed and grasped the pail in my hands. I could still find out the truth, I could get people to leave here and help all of these people. I took to filling up the pail with water as commanded. But as the water began to fill the pail, my blood ran cold. There was a harrowing laughter throughout all of floor 15. The man's laughter was heavy and booming with every bellowing gasp for air. The pail filled up, and I knew what to do. My door flew open and the bellboy had a shotgun in his hands and a look of intent in his eyes that was absent earlier.
I slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it, but that didn't deter him from firing straight into the door. I wasted no time splashing the entire contents of the pail onto the mirror. The glass began to shake like the liquid that had just touched it. It began to create a swirling motion and the mirror then became alight with a golden glow. The bellboy had just finished busting the padlock off, and I did the only thing I could think to do and put my finger into the mirror. Instantly, my entire body was pulled into another realm.
—
When I opened my eyes, the world around me was devoid of color. I was at the foyer of the hotel once more, but everything was grey. There was no semblance of life anywhere to be seen. Frozen. They were all frozen, the people in the foyer were paused, human statues. The world around me did not have a temperature, I could not feel anything. Was I frozen too? No, I could move my legs. I could still move forward. The world was silent. I could not hear my footsteps, or my heartbeat. My soul was in a limbo. I could only reflect at this point.
There were so many guests. So many people in the hotel, were they all frozen too? Could they see? Have I failed them? These people came here for whatever reason and have likely seen their fair share of differing events, but could they be experiencing this as well? The silence was broken by clapping. It was slow and loud enough to fill the foyer with sound. Then, he emerged. A man in a blazer, styled slick back hair and a regal appearance. He stood on the above walk away, staring down at me while still clapping. I walked closer to the man, and I noticed a badge on his blazer.
Manager.
“Good to finally meet you, Jackson.”
I tried to speak, but no sound emerged from my lips, I was silent.
“Don’t bother, humans aren’t supposed to be in a realm like this, human mental understanding is far too limited to be able to comprehend the nature of a place like this”.
I couldn't tell how or when, but in a flash he was before me, looking me right in the eyes.
“I already know your questions, this meeting was prearranged the moment your soul was set free to the world by the man upstairs, when you were born I knew everything about how I wanted you to come to me.”
I did not feel alone in my thoughts, it was as if my brain was having it’s every idea taken from it.
The manager took a deep breath and sighed in disappointment.
“Alright, I set you to be here, so let’s just get to your questions. You’re asking in your head, what is this hotel? When I was born into this universal system, I observed you humans briefly for an age. You would all fail to grow, at every core of a person was a perception of the world. What one grew into, what they experienced, it shaped them into a person with a perception of how they viewed the world, what they thought was right and wrong. I became obsessed with humanities simple understanding, I wanted to see how much I could control by manipulating perception.” He pauses.
“Jackson, I have made many men kill each other by making entire civilizations believe what I wanted them to. Technically, humanistic understanding of history still isn’t wrong, wars were fought for reasons and everyone had their own pure distinctive motivations. Leaders led their subjects and followers to the next step of perception. But one day, I grew tired of watching humans fight. No, I wanted to see them at their most curious. In the olden days, this hotel was but an inn. I wanted to see how rumors would spread among you all, what you were all capable of doing. I wanted to see humans scared, I wanted to see them happy, I wanted to see humans. As simple and pathetic as you may all be to this universe, this rock in space has given birth to an almost precious attribute that humans share. It is as I said, your perception, how you all view the world you reside in. I desired to watch it all unfold.”
I could not even speak, I had nothing left to say, and it seems he already knew that.
“I knew from the beginning we would meet Jackson, I arranged your entire life so that we would finally encounter one another. Every guest here in this hotel? I arranged them all to be here, some for fun, some for terror, some for mystery. The hotel itself is molded by how one sees the world. You remember the library girl, yes? She is a dreamer not unlike yourself, so the hotel gave her a library. Your garden? You are the only one it was visible for. Diana? Just a tool for me. Every guest here is experiencing something completely different, sometimes groups share what they see. I do love a story with plenty of characters. Every action that led to our meeting today was just me guiding you along. Every single interaction was me leading your perception. You are asking yourself, Jackson, why? Why you? No particular reason, I simply wanted to see the scope of how one would react to this meeting.”
“But now, I must confess. I don’t have a plan for you now, Jackson. I know you desire to tell people to escape, so that their lives aren’t at risk. Jackson, nobody here is a risk. Everyone is meant to be here, and if they died here, it was chosen from birth. There is no one to save. But if it would make you comfortable, I would like to see how humans I have not tampered with react to your psychotic ramblings. It is ultimately up to you, if you so choose, I can take your tale; everything you want to say as it is and put it into books, I can spread the story anywhere from your internet to a local bar. It is your choice, I will not tamper with this decision. I apologize for the brevity of the events today, I was eager with anticipation to finally have this meeting be real. You may now make a decision.”
I thought for a moment, about everything I had just been told. My entire existence had been a preplanned tale for an elder god. You can probably guess how I answered his question.
“You may hate me, and I feel the emptiness inside you now, but truly Jackson, it has been a pleasure to meet you. I cannot wait to see if humans believe you, I will watch you carefully from now until the end of time. You are free.”
I awoke later, in the foyer. I cried in my hands, people began to comfort me and ask me why I was crying. I did not answer. I only made for the exit and left. The sun was shining, and it was peaceful. The world as I know did not feel like it agreed with my feelings, it likely did not. I could not know if this was a real feeling now. I took one look back at the Hotel Non Dormiunt and thought for one last time about the people in the hotel, what will they perceive? What sort of stories are being told? I will not search for an answer. I have found the inception, and I am checking out.

GUESTBOOK

Is this a Man's World or woMans?

[RATE] The 2017 Hip Hop Rate

Hey, everyone!
If there’s any genre that’s benefited from the age of streaming, it’s been hip hop. Both 2016 and 2017 have seen huge success for rappers even if they weren’t getting radio play, and have shown the power of cultivating a young, mostly online fanbase in the current music climate. It’s only gaining traction: six hip hop songs (Bad and Boujee by Migos, Black Beatles by Rae Sremmurd, HUMBLE. by Kendrick Lamar, I’m the One by DJ Khaled, Bodak Yellow by Cardi B, and Rockstar by Post Malone) claimed the number one spot on the Billboard Hot 100 in 2017, compared to two in 2016. Post Malone held the number one spot for nearly three times as long as Taylor Swift, that’s the power of hip hop right now.
Given this popularity, it seems like as good a time as ever to do a follow-up to the 2016 Hip Hop Rate and Drake Drag by looking at four rap albums from 2017 that attracted acclaim and success while also showcasing the variety of the genre. These four albums cover four distinct approaches and styles to hip hop: jazzy and personal, brash and political, trappy and melodic, chaotic and experimental. They’re four of the most interesting artists in the game right now, but for this rate they’ll be pitted against each other.

HERE is the pre-prepared link if you just want to start rating!

The albums we'll be rating are:

KENDRICK LAMAR - DAMN.

Nobody has made quite as big an impact on the hip hop scene over the last several years as Kendrick Lamar. Growing up in section 8 housing in Compton, California, Kendrick translated the experiences of his childhood into some of the most compelling and acclaimed music of the entire decade. Kendrick put out his first mixtape at the age of 16 in 2004, but it would be years before the hip hop world would take notice. His debut album Section.80 helped put him on the map, but 2012's widely acclaimed concept album good kid, m.A.A.d city helped break Kendrick fully into the mainstream. In 2015, he released his even more widely acclaimed third album To Pimp a Butterfly, which spawned the successful single "Alright", a song that would become somewhat of a protest anthem for the Black Lives Matter movement. Pressure and anticipation was high on Kendrick for his follow-up to the huge commercial and critical success of To Pimp a Butterfly, but many people were caught off guard when he released a promotional single, "The Heart Part 4", in early 2017. The song ended with a warning to other rappers with the deadline of April 7th, sending the internet into a frenzy on what appeared to be the promise of a new album. While DAMN. would actually be released on the 14th, it still was a shock to the senses of many rap fans, and a near-perfect rollout to Kendrick's new chapter.
DAMN. itself is an album that begs for deep analysis. The internet almost immediately was flooded with theories and speculation on the album's themes and content. A widely circulated but eventually incorrect theory believed Kendrick was gearing up to drop a second album called NATION. the following week, and a second theory about the album being meant to be played backwards and forwards would be acknowledged with the release of the DAMN. Collectors Edition, the same album but with the tracklist reversed. Sonically, it goes all over the place, from modern trap to jazzy, TPAB esque hip hop to even R&B. It's Kendrick's most mainstream release, but DAMN. is anything but straightforward. It's a challenging listen with themes of race, religion, politics, fame, love, and death. Gaining critical acclaim, numerous Grammy nominations, and going double platinum, DAMN. is Kendrick's statement of purpose on the throne of hip hop. - ThereIsNoSantaClaus
Spotify
Apple Music

TYLER, THE CREATOR - FLOWER BOY

Tyler, in my opinion, has the most interesting career progression of the four artists in this rate. Born Tyler Gregory Okonma in 1991, he grew up in California with his single mother, having never met his estranged father. By age fourteen, Tyler had taught himself how to play the piano, and by age seventeen he had formed the notorious and influential Odd Future hip hop collective. In 2009, the now eighteen year old Tyler released his debut mixtape Bastard, which featured simple lo-fi production and exaggerated rhymes about violence, murder, and rape.
Two years later, the success of his breakout single “Yonkers” and its instantly memorable music video (in which Tyler eats a cockroach and hangs himself) got Tyler some mainstream attention, winning him the VMA for Best New Artist and a whole new legion of fans. This increased attention also brought increased controversy, with Tyler coming under heat for his violent lyrics, use of slurs, and generally edgy personality. However, things seemed to be taking a turn with the release of his second album Wolf in 2013, a loose concept album that featured a summer camp love triangle, matured lyrics, and more layered production. Tyler followed that up in 2015 with the divisive Cherry Bomb, which featured both elaborate, jazzy arrangements and loud, distorted insanity.
Tyler’s earlier albums, in many ways, feel like a blueprint to what eventually became Flower Boy. The layered arrangements, loose concepts, personal lyrics, and influences from soul and jazz to The Neptunes are all present in Flower Boy, but they all feel matured to their freshest possible sound. If you’ve taken even a brief look at Tyler’s social media, you’ll know he loves chords and melodies, and Flower Boy is sonically gorgeous. Lyrically, it’s also his most personal work yet, and the album quickly attracted a lot of attention for a number of lines that hinted strongly at Tyler being in the closet. Flower Boy is a far cry from where Tyler began, both in subject matter and sound, and the result of nearly a decade of musical evolution. The album was critically acclaimed, with a current 84 score on Metacritic and being ranked as Pitchfork's 8th best album of 2017. - ThereIsNoSantaClaus
Spotify
Apple Music

LIL UZI VERT - LUV IS RAGE 2

Lil Uzi Vert, genre-wise, falls under the umbrella of trap music. If you asked Uzi, however, he'd call himself a rockstar. He's listed his main influences as Hayley Williams and Marilyn Manson in the past, and has definitely taken more than a few cues from emo rock in his style and musical content. Born in Philadelphia in 1994, a 20 year old Uzi was discovered by producer and DJ Don Cannon in 2014 and signed with Cannon and DJ Drama not long after. He released his breakthrough mixtape Luv is Rage in October 2015, and a pair of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World-inspired mixtapes the year after, Lil Uzi Vert vs. the World and The Perfect LUV Tape. The tapes spawned Uzi's first major hits, "You Was Right"and "Money Longer". 2017 brought Uzi firmly into the mainstream with his first number one single from the Migos collab "Bad and Boujee", and his first top 10 solo hit with "XO TOUR Llif3", as well as a Grammy nomination for Best New Artist. Throughout 2016 and 2017, Uzi had also teased a follow-up to Luv is Rage, frequently posting snippets of new music through his social media. Finally, Uzi announced the album's release on August 24th, just a day in advance. The album received positive reviews from critics and sold well, debuting at number one and later going platinum.
Luv is Rage 2 feels much like a sequel to a film that wasn't expected to be as big of a hit as it was. It keeps the feel and mood of the original mixtape, but expands upon it with cleaner production, solid hooks, and big-name collaborators (particularly The Weeknd and Pharrell Williams, who are both featured). Much of the album deals with heartbreak over Uzi's long-time on and off now ex-girlfriend Brittany Byrd, who has frequently appeared in his music videos and album covers. The album often feels like it was written in the wake of yet another breakup, with many lyrics dealing with heartbreak and resentment. "XO TOUR Llif3", the big single and unexpected hit, feels much like a thesis statement for the whole project, a catchy trap beat mixed with raw and relatable lyrics about love lost, heartbreak, depression, and fame. The hook is both endlessly catchy but still sad and relatable, and in that fashion Uzi does really feel like the successor to his emo influences. Music will change, but sad music will never go out of style. - ThereIsNoSantaClaus
Spotify
Apple Music

VINCE STAPLES - BIG FISH THEORY

Vince Staples (real name Vincent Jamal Staples, born in July 1993) isn’t your average west coast rapper. He was born in Compton, California, home of many other rappers such as NWA (who include Dr. Dre, Eazy-E, MC Ren, DJ Yella and Ice Cube), The Game, YG or (also in this rate) Kendrick Lamar. Compton is also known for the high crime rates, which made his mother move to North Long Beach when he was barely a kid with his other 4 siblings. There he grew up in poverty and studied at a christian high-school until 8th grade. He was involved in gangs during all of his childhood, which made some of his best friends lose their lives in summer 2006, when they were barely 13 year old. His mother, worried about his son, made him move to Atlanta with his sister for six months, until he came back to Long Beach. He studied in several high-schools at that time, and in 2009, in a trip to Los Ángeles, he met Syd Tha Kid and Earl Sweatshirt, two members of the former hip-hop collective Odd Future (who was leaded by, also in this rate, Tyler the Creator).
Vince would then start to release mixtapes, like Shyne Coldchain Vol. 1 (2011), Winter In Prague (2012), Stolen Youth (2013, produced by Mac Miller), Shyne Coldchain Vol. 2 (2014) and the project that would finally bring him to a (more or less) mainstream audience, Hell Can Wait (2014). He was also featured in other songs like Earl Sweatshirt’s Hive, and got signed to Def Jam after he released Stolen Youth.
But the year where he finally got to shine was 2015: he released the singles Señorita, Get Paid and Norf Norf from his debut album Summertime ‘06, and appeared on the 2015 XXL Freshman, with a brilliant freestyle and a great cypher with Goldlink and OG Maco. Summertime ‘06 was met with critical acclaim, many claiming it as the best rap debut of the year and one of the best albums of the year, lauding Vince’s lyrical content and flows and praising the production from No I.D., Clams Casino and DJ Dahi.
In 2016 Vince released another EP, Prima Donna, announced August 25th and released one day later. It featured Kilo Kish ~~and A$AP Rocky~~, and once again got acclaimed by both public and critics, who also saw the tints of experimentation on it.
That drives us to Big Fish Theory, a product of experimentation with other genres and sounds which are outlandish to hip-hop, such as dance, electronic, house and techno. It features Kendrick Lamar (Yeah Right), Juicy J (sampled on the Big Fish hook) and Ty Dolla $ign (Rain Come Down), and has other smaller features such as A$AP Rocky in SAMO, Kučka in Yeah Right or Damon Albarn and Kilo Kish in Love Can Be. The album was produced by some producers who are alien to hip-hop like SOPHIE, Justin Vernon (also known as Bon Iver) or Flume. And, you guessed it, Big Fish Theory was another acclaimed album, with a harsh production and lyrical content ranging from suicide and fame to politics and racism, which makes it, behind 4:44, the best hip-hop album of 2017 to me. - VodkaInsipido
Spotify
Apple Music

Bonus Tracks

RULES
Here's the rules section, which is being shamelessly stolen from every other rate.

Listen to every song and assign it a score of between 1 and 10. Decimals like 7.6 or 9.3 are fine, but no more than one decimal spot! No 6.33 or 7.66 scores, we'll be using letsallpoo's program and scores like that will crash the program. Also make sure to enter a score for everything. Empty scores will also not work with the program, and we want everyone's scores to be counted.
Feel free to leave comments on songs you rate, obviously. Just make sure to use the correct format when leaving a comment.

This is the only correct way to do it:
See You Again: 10 This song is amazing!
All of these are incorrect:
See You Again: 10: This song is amazing!
See You Again: 10 - This song is amazing!
See You Again: 10 (This song is amazing!)
See You Again: This is a 10 because it's amazing!

You are allowed to give one song an 11 and one song a 0. You are not required to give either of these, but if you want to spotlight your favorite or least favorite song in the rate, you are able to. As usual, we strongly suggest not to intentionally sabotage the results, just be honest with your scoring.
The songs in the bonus rate are separate from the main rate. A bonus track can not be your 11 or 0.
If at some point later in the month you want to change your scores, message me or VodkaInsipido and we can fix it up for you.
If you don't follow the format, I'll still accept your ballot, but I reserve the right to publicly shame you and your inability to follow basic instructions.

HERE IS THE PRE-PREPARED LINK.

HERE IS THE SPOTIFY PLAYLIST FOR THIS RATE, INCLUDING ALL FOUR ALBUMS AND THE BONUS TRACKS. (Note: ZIPLOC and WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT NOW are not on Spotify, so they aren't on the playlist. You can find both easily on YouTube and they're both conveniently linked above.)

And that's it! We hope you all participate and have fun! We'll see you in May for the reveal. Keep an eye out throughout the month as well for information on plug.dj listening parties for this rate.
- ThereIsNoSantaClaus and VodkaInsipido

Guide to Mac Miller

After some suggestions over at /music and actually thinking about it myself, I decided to post my introduction to my favorite artist, Mac Miller.
Inspired by the awesome "Guide to Kanye West" by habs76 that actually got me into Kanye and by all the other amazing "guides" out there, I decided, since I didn't found any, to create one for my favorite artist: Mac Miller. If you're thinking "hey that guy barely has four years of career, it's too short" I have to say that, although that's true, he has put out an impressive number of songs, actually his latest mixtape, FACES, is his 11th official release, so we're talking about a lot of material over a short period of time.
A Quick Introduction
Mac Miller's music can be divided into two, distinct phases, with a very different sound: pre-Blue Slide Park and post-BSP. That is because a lot changed in his life after Blue Slide Park came out and those changes were reflected in his music. The former phase is maybe his most commercially successful one, with most, if not all his biggest hits written in this time. The sound is very white-boy rapper with predominantly dancey beats, although there are differences between each of the works that came out over this phase. The latter is a phase characterized by less commercial success but more artistic production, where Mac Miller is not just a rapper anymore, but an eclectic artist who can easily adapt to different genres and can also craft, both for himself and for other artists (such as Vince Staples and SZA), unique sounds under the pseudonym of Larry Fisherman.
So, let's get started:
The High Life (2009) [Mixtape]
The High Life marks the proper introduction of Mac Miller into the world of professional hip-hop, granting him enough local success to ensure him lots of sold-out shows in his hometown of Pittsburgh and in Pennsylvania. It sounds a bit unpolished, but you can already hear hints of his distinct "modern rap, throwback beat" style.
Standout Tracks:

Another Night - Praising nights spent alone in the house making music and smoking weed over a splendid guitar beat.
Just My Imagination - This song is maybe better in retrospect than it was actually at the time, because few people have been able to achieve much of what he says in this song in as short time as him.

K.I.D.S. (2010) [Mixtape]
This mixtape was his breakthrough work and one of his two best works in my opinion. It was his first release after signing with Rostrum, Wiz Khalifa's, and as of late Mac himself's now former, label. Recorded while he already had his own place thanks to the money he made with The High Life, the sound is pretty much on the same style as the latter, although in this mixtape the beats are more polished and his writing has improved greatly. The name K.I.D.S. stands for Kicking Incredibly Dope Shit, and comes for the movie Kids.
Standout Tracks:

Senior Skip Day - A song to show his love for skipping not just class but every kind of business to be able to enjoy himself. One of the most upbeat songs he has ever made.
Knock Knock - The first single off the mixtape (yeah, his mixtape game is that good), this is another really upbeat song about him "knocking" on the rap game's door and explaining why they should let them in. Great beat, great hit.
Kool Aid & Frozen Pizza - Two and a half minutes of straight rap with no hook over a beautifully old-school beat that caused him a good chunk of trouble (you can read about that on his Wikipedia page). One of his best songs.

Best Day Ever (2011) [Mixtape]
This was the mixtape that made him an international superstar. It has many hits, probably thanks to the very bangery sound of most of the beats.
Standout Tracks:

Best Day Ever - I have to note that there are two versions of this song on the mixtape: the linked one (called BDE Bonus), which is my favorite, and the proper "Best Day Ever" that samples Beauties Can Die by M83, one of my favorite bands. Both are really good. The song is about him finally living his dream.
Donald Trump - This song was an international hit, largely thanks to the amazingly catchy beat crafted by SAP. Of course, Mac knows how to write properly to a catchy song.
All Around The World - Up until this song, Mac Miller was missing a good song about partying, and for someone like him that was not a good thing. Luckily this came around. Writing not exceptional, but it fits perfectly into Just Blaze's dancey beat.

Blue Slide Park (2011)
Named after the Pittsburgh park, up until this album, his debut album, Mac Miller had built so much hype that it was inevitable to see this album skyrocket to the top of the charts on its first week of sales, setting the record for most successful independent album of all time. But, for most of the critics, notably Pitchfork, this was only because of the hype and not because the album was actually that good, therefore receiving generally unfavorable reviews. I think that the album is far from perfect, and a bit redundant if you listen to it as a whole, but it surely has got its fair share of good pieces, such as:

Frick Park Market - Mac goes really hard on this "I don't give a fuck" track named after the eponymous shop on real-life Blue Slide Park.
Missed Calls - A beautiful and heartbreaking song about dealing with the consequences fame has over relationships. Crystal clear beat by Ritz Reynolds.
One Last Thing - As Mac Miller said, the (w)rap-up. This Clams Casino-produced gem is one of Mac's best lyrical efforts up until this point (his lyrical skills will rise dramatically up over the next works). Straight rap and no hook always means some good lines.

Macadelic (2012) [Mixtape]
This mixtape marks the start of Mac Miller's second artistic phase. The rather harsh reception that Blue Slide Park received put Mac under a lot of stress, and he went through a bad period in his life. This led him to change his direction in music towards a darker, more thoughtful path, although Macadelic still shares some similarities with his previous work.
Standout Tracks:

Loud - Mac Miller's trademark banger, Macadelic style.
Thoughts From A Balcony - Maybe the first real taste of what Mac's music was becoming: deep, thoughtful lyrics about the world, life and drugs over a mellow piano beat crafted by Donald Trump's man, SAP.
1 Threw 8 - In this song Mac is really introspective and wonders what will be remembered of him after he dies. Deep, moody beat by Black Diamond.

Watching Movies With The Sound Off (2013)
His second album, it didn't nearly get the same reception as BSP, under every point of view. In fact, it sold much fewer copies while being received overwhelmingly better by critics. I think that it is his best work, maybe together with K.I.D.S. (the two are really different and thus not comparable). In this album Mac's artistic evolution, started on Macadelic, blossoms in an astonishingly wonderful way, with 19 songs that are wonderfully diverse and rich, a cast of collaborators picked perfectly and beautiful production, sometimes handled by the man himself. I recommend listening to the whole album, but there are a few tracks that I think are above the others. The name comes from the way he worked on the album, actually while watching movies with the sound off in the studio.
Standout Tracks:

S.D.S. - A Flying Lotus-produced track that sees Mac defining his beliefs and wondering about the hardly explainable things in the world. Awesome.
I Am Who Am (Killin' Time) - This song is what I believe is the best lyrical work ever conceived by Mac. It criticizes himself but also what other people say of himself, but in a way that it could be valid for everyone. The beat is dark-dreamy piece by ADOTHEGOD and Niki Randa's voice fits perfectly into the hook.
Objects In The Mirror - This Pharrell Wiliams(!!)-produced work of art is addressing lean, or any other drug, as a girl with whom you have a not so rosy relationship. This is, in my opinion, the best track of the whole album, perfectly crafted both musically and lyrically.

Live From Space (2013) [Live Album]
This is not your usual live album, because it's not just a recording of him performing his usual songs at a show. After WMWTSO came out, Mac embarked on The Space Migration Tour and brought, along with the likes of Earl Sweatshirt and Chance The Rapper, the experimental band The Internet from Odd Future together. In fact, on the first part of each show Mac played some of his best songs off of WMWTSO but also from previous works in a wonderfully rearranged version together with The Internet. I recommend listening to the whole album as well because some of the rearrangements are done perfectly, but I'd also suggest giving a listen to some of the new material on the album, because it's really good.
Standout Tracks:

Youforia (Live) - Although when together with The Internet his songs sound wonderful, I believe that this is the song that exposes Mac Miller as an all-around musical artist. Just him and a slightly processed electric piano, played by the man himself while he sings a song that originally, on WMWTSO, was a rare Clams Casino-produced slow, dreamy ballad. Here he makes it sound more personal and even better.
Eggs Aisle - The name a play on the word exile, a really good stream of consciousness song (which will be pretty much the norm on FACES) in which he contemplates life and spirituality over a spacey beat.
Life - Yet another dreamy beat on this album, makes for a kinda-creepy and deep song about the true definition of "crazy in love". Brilliant "not rapping nor singing" performance by Mac.

FACES (2014) [Mixtape]
His latest mixtape, although on the same wave length of Macadelic and WMWTSO, starts to bend a little towards a more alternative, and a touch brighter, direction, and also features much more production by himself, as he's getting much better. The mixtape provides the listener with a staggering 24-track set, although some tracks are (and this is a new entry in his style) instrumentals.
Standout Tracks:

Polo Jeans - A really good song produced by Earl Sweatshirt in which Mac talks about fame and his new cocaine habit (sigh) while Earl delivers his usual (amazing) rap poetry.
Diablo - One of Mac's best productions under the pseudonym Larry Fisherman, here he addresses haters and rivals in a really stylish way.
New Faces - Another Earl Sweatshirt-produced track, this is yet another song about drugs (like most of the lyrics off of FACES), although this might be the best one at that.

EDIT: Thanks to nulspace, I added Live From Space.
EDIT 2: Guys I know it's missing some stuff from really early/Easy Mac days, his Larry Lovestein stuff and Delusional Thomas too, but his early projects are somewhat obscure and he even said once to "don't even listen to that shit" because he was too young... As for his side projects, I skipped them because they are completely different from the stuff he does under the "Mac Miller" name and I wanted this to be just a Mac Miller introduction for people who are not that into him... I believe that once someone gets hooked they'll find out soon enough about that stuff ;)
EDIT 3: To everyone saying that this is not complete and I'm missing out on his best stuff and the guide is completely useless and shit: this post was meant for people who are not really into Mac Miller, to make them listen to what I believe is the best bit of his work. This was not meant for fans of Mac Miller who know the lyrics to Smoke Signals by heart. This is a starting point from where someone who is genuinely interested can start to then dig deeper onto that other stuff on his own. At least that's been the case for me with all of the different guides out there, from OutKast to Modest Mouse, that is my concept of an introductory guide. Man, that guide didn't even feature Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik, which is an album, not a mixtape, and yet it was still awesome to me. I'm sorry if my concept of introduction seems wrong to you, you are free to not read this guide, especially if you already are a Mac Miller fan.

2017 Album of the Year #24: Kelela - Take Me Apart

Artist: Kelela
Album: Take Me Apart
Released: October 6, 2017
Listen: Spotify / Apple Music
BIOGRAPHY!
Kelela Mizanekristos was born in Washington, D.C. on June 6, 1983. She's a proud Ethiopian American, and is very knowledgable of her roots and her culture (Take Me Apart's cover has her name written in one of Ethiopia's languages). She grew up in the suburbs, and she listened to R&B, jazz and Björk growing up. She's a black, queer woman, and she has no shame about incorporing her personal life into her art. She has released three projects so far: her mixtape, Cut 4 Me was released in 2013 and launched her career, with overwhelming positive reviews and acclaim from Solange and Bjork herself. It was included in several publications' Year End lists, reaching the top 10 in Time and The Guardian's. In 2015 she released her EP Hallucinogen to, again, very positive reviews. She worked with Arca and BOOTS for the first time, and the lead single "Rewind" became her 'breakthrough' of sorts for its upbeat and energetic nature. Her critical acclaim and hype earned her some high profile collaborations in 2016 and 2017, with features on Clams Casino, Danny Brown, Solange and Gorillaz's albums. Her debut album Take Me Apart finally arrived on 2017, after four years of working on it. It was instantly praised as her best work yet, from critics and fans alike and it became her first charting project, reaching #128 on the Billboard 200. Lead single "LMK" followed "Rewind"'s steps as a fun and uptempo single, and became one of her biggest hits as well.
MY ALBUM ANALYSIS!
With Take Me Apart, Kelela wanted to re-write an old ideal, something that's been so written and sung about that it's hard to find something new to say - what it means to be in love, and what it means to fall out of love, and back again and out again. Like her inspirations, mainly R&B artists such as Janet and Michael (but also Phil Collins), Kelela is not only interested in the sexual implications of being with someone, which are definitely present in this album, but also the emotional weight and the devastating impact that relationships that sometimes work and sometimes don't have on people. Even talking about some tracks makes Kelela start crying. She has lived this record. By completely opening up and sharing her weak and strong sides throughout this amazing concept album, Kelela invites us to take her apart, so that's what we'll do.
It's inevitable to compare this record to Beyoncé's 2016 masterpiece "Lemonade" (or it would be had I not completely overplayed, analyzed and explored both albums). Both give us an unique and personal perspective of being angry, being black, being happy, in love, forgiving other's bullshit, hoping to be forgiven, and simply not giving a fuck. By not giving a fuck is exactly how Take Me Apart starts. "Frontline" introduces us to Kelela's mastermind, and it starts with the end of a relationship. When you've been with someone you love and it starts going sour there's a lot of internal conflict - should we end it? How will he react? Is it worth it? She compares this feeling of being near the verge of breaking up to being on the front line of a battle. You're most likely going to die - the question is when. There's a feeling of being held back that she fights, but after all this turmoil she comes out on top and ends it with a smile on her face, while her ex cries and pleads her back. The song ends with Kelela walking away, presumably from her ex, entering her car and driving away, implying she moved on.
But do we ever move on? We might tell ourselves that we're over a person, that what they do doesn't bother us anymore, but then we see their name, something that reminds us of them, or god forbid, them in person, and it sets off this strange feeling of our stomach turning over and our brain giving us flashbacks of the good and the bad moments that happened between us. "Waitin" is about that moment, when you're meeting the ex again after some months, talking to them, and realizing that maybe we made a mistake by letting each other go, that you should try to do everything again, even though it caused everyone so much pain and resentment.
And you reach the point where you're back at square one, cloud nine with this person: you're sneaking in each other's house and leaving before dawn so nobody knows you were there, you have hot, passionate sex and, most importantly, you reach a new and deeper level of understanding - "try to tell you one thing/and then you just read my mind". You're telling your partner everything that was left unsaid before the split, and there's a bigger sense of passion for each other. With the title of this record, Kelela was referencing the overarching story and concept, but in its title track, the meaning is more visceral and primal - in this moment of the relationship, you are taking each other apart, exploring new corners of the body and the soul that were perhaps never touched before. One thing I haven't mentioned yet, probably because I'm so immersed in the story of the record, is the production - this particular track was made piece by piece by six professional producers, including Arca (Bjork, FKA twigs, Kanye West), kwes (Solange) and Ariel Rechtshaid (Adele, Charli XCX, Sky Ferreira, HAIM, Vampire Weekend...). The complexity and intricacity of this track in particular is extraordinary, with a sense of urgency building in the pre-chorus, only to explode in the chorus with a dizzying collection of beats and moans. It's probably my favorite track in this record.
The brighest flame burns quickest, and we see Kelela standing where we met her - breaking up, again. This time we're in a different position than we were in "Frontline", even though she describes them as 'sister' tracks. There's a clear vulnerability displayed here, and she describes it as a "sadder leaving". You can feel the emotional stress that she's going through, the frustration of going through another breakup, and the self doubt that she feels - "will love ruin my heart?". "Jupiter" is a dreamy, short interlude and it comes at a point when Kelela is feeling completely isolated, but motivated to pick herself up and move forward for good. The title of this song comes from a Jupiter synth that her and her producers found at the basement of an hotel she was staying in - it transmits to me a cold feeling that I think matches the theme pretty wonderfully.
Something that we almost never hear about after relationships is keeping the friendship - a lot of the time, there are too many feelings of hatred or disgust towards the other person that makes it impossible to keep talking to them. That's what Kelela attempts to do on the closing song of the first half of this record, "Better". The track is about not only reconciling with your ex, but with yourself: "I know it made me betteAren't we better now?".
So Kelela has reached a midway point in her story, where she's single and ready to mingle. That's where the lead single "LMK" comes in - a sensual but affirming ode to one night stands, as long as they're respectful. We see her at a club, approaching and being approached by people, and I personally get the vibe that she's kinda frustrated by this person who doesn't say or do the right things, and that there's a LOT of shade being thrown, but she chases them anyways. And even in this hook up situation there's a lot of love and care given by Kelela, even if it's not reciprocated. In the end, she asks the other party to "let her know" if this 'fling' is something that they want to go forward with and explore deeper, or if they don't really care about it and it's a simple one night stand. Both answers are okay - "it ain't that deep, by the way". This bouncy jam has the same producers as most of the album, which helps give it a sense of consistency, but I think it's her most radio-friendly and accessible track.
A few dates later, Kelela details the first sexual encounter with her new lover. She describes it as a "game", more specifically, truth or dare. It's essentially a sexual and flirty track where they're exploring each other for the first time, playing with eacher other's fantasies and bodies. The lust flows onto the next interlude "S.O.S.", which is essentially a late night booty call, and "Blue Light", the second single off this project. In this tune, we see her diving headfirst into this new relationship. Whereas she previously held back emotionally, she's dropping her chains and confessing all her feelings to her new lover.
Another of this album's highlights for me is "Onanon". Throughout a classic glitchy and cracking Arca beat with a gorgeous string section that evokes the feeling of exasperation in the lyrics and harmonies, Kelela details one of the first and biggest fights of the couple. She calls out not only her lover's faults, but her own, and there's an overwhelming feeling of permanent discontent, doubt and anger, to the point where she says she's got the taste of her tears down. The constant breaking up and getting back again can be extremely stressful, like you're in a never ending cycle.
"Turn To Dust" covers the last moments of the relationship, or as she puts it, 'right before "Frontline"', when she feels like she has nothing left to give while her lover is 'bottled up inside', not sharing enough, holding back. This feels very contradictory to her very vulnerable side: she's willing to share her soul but her lover denies that. This track was co-written with The XX's Remy Croft, which is a fun fact. Personally, this is my least favorite song in this album and I skip it almost every time. I guess I find it too slow and not really captivating after the first minute or so. The last track in this story is another interlude, "Bluff". After their disagreement on the previous track, her lover says they're leaving her and she challenges them to stay and open up, one last time. It works.
The last song in the album, much like the previously mentioned "Lemonade", is not about the overarching relationship story, but about black women:

“I’m specifically thinking about black women who are just like on their grind and operating in spaces where they’re not appreciated and its just a message for those people so that they can feel like it’s worth pursuing and pushing”

I can't talk about what it means to be an underappreciated black woman, and the message is pretty straightforward. I'll say that this is a very beautiful and dreamy closer and it works perfectly.
MY THOUGHTS ON THIS ALBUM!
I have loved Kelela since about 2015 when I first listened to "The High" from her Hallucinogen EP on one of my 8tracks (rip) music discovery sessions. Now I know it's not one of the best songs from her amazing EP, but at the time I was mesmerized by the pulsating beat and the mellow, spacey, bedroom/soundcloud production that drew me in to artists such as Tinashe and FKA twigs and is now plaguing your Discover Weekly playlists. She quickly became one of my favorite artists and I have checked for her ever since. I saw her live in 2016 (which is a big deal for me since nobody wants to tour in my country!) and it was an ethereal experience, listening to her hit all those high notes. I narrowly missed on a selfie with her sadly!
So, fast forward to 2017...needless to say, I was super excited when she announced her debut album, and listening to it really clicked with me and made me feel understood in a certain way? I'm a very emotional person, I feel things intensely, but I'm not the best at expressing how I feel, which is why albums like this resonate so hard with me. I feel like Kelela does an amazing job at conveying her emotions and her vulnerable side, and I definitely connect to her a lot of the time. She has a hard time explaining some songs due to the emotional weight attached to them, and it's a hard listen for me too. There's a lot of memories that her lyrics bring up and they're not always pretty ones.
The production is fucking bonkers, I don't even know how to explain it. It just suits the tracks so well, and what she's trying to say, there's no disconnect. A casual pop fan would probably find it 'boring' and too same-y, I believe, but the industrial and futuristic R&B approach they have is absolutely gorgeous and they are able to draw some of her influences - Janet, Aaliyah, Sade - and transport it not to 2017, but to 3017. A lot of these tracks have an explosive chorus that is executed with a sharp precision.
It's my absolute favorite album of 2017 and I'm honored I was picked to do this write up.
Some of my favorite lyrics in this record:
Frontline

Could be winter but I burn inside

Waitin

Will you stay now?
'Cause winter's always warmer when you're round

Better

Though I'm in love with it, I will amputate

S.O.S.

I could touch myself, bae
But it's not the same
If you could stop and help me out

Onanon

Fight all the tears, I got the tears down
The type when your life is deep into the ground

and

It doesn't help I watch your every single move
Like I wanna fight with you

Essential Tracks: LMK, Onanon, Blue Light, Take Me Apart
Deep Cuts: Truth or Dare, Jupiter, S.O.S., Altadena
DISCUSSION POINTS!

How can Kelela further evolve her sound?
Why is Kelela still very 'niche' in comparison to her alt-r&b peers, such as FKA twigs or SZA?
How well do you think Kelela told her 'story' throughout this album?
Do you think Kelela broke the paradox of sounding 90's and 3000's at the same time?
Overall thoughts/fav tracks/any other comment?

Sorry these questions are trash lol I'm out of creativity

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Album of the Year 2014 #5: FKA Twigs - LP1

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